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SushiMonkee
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Name: MONKEE
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: New York City
Gender: Female
Interests: Museums, Swimming, reading, clubbing, skiing, drawing, painting, art, action - comedy - horror movies , karaoke (ie. hawk the mike), dogs, Photography, WATCHES, SUSHI (salmon and sashimi), ice-cream :-P extra hot latte and black-eyed coffee, ohhh one more ....xtremely obsessed with MONKEE heehee DUUH :D
Expertise: Whining, Drawing, Eating, Screaming (i.e. Karaoke'ng), Taking UGLY pictures of other people....and myself hehe, Staying up really late, and Having ridiculous overly energies :P
Occupation: Designer
Industry: Art-Designs-Cooking-NewYork
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  sushimonkee
Yahoo:  sushimonkee
Member Since:
2/17/2004
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| This lengthy winded post is for several friends who are in a not so great relationship, who soon will be married to someone they don't love, who I couldn't help because how can one help someone if that person didn't want to help her/himself? I write you this for one and one purpose only: There's happiness, but you gotta go after it yourself.
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Almost every single friend of mine one time or another commented on how LUCKY I am with guys.....not only because of duckee, or midget, but even guys I casually dated are always supposed to be on the nice side.
THAT probably was the most ridiculous/could-not-be-anymore-wrong comment I’ve ever heard my entire life.
Sure I’m lucky enough to have met duckee who is awesome in every single way, but please trust me when I say I also have enough of my share of ASSHOLES as much as the next girl, if not more.
Honestly I really hate to draw conclusion, or ideas from solely the ONE WAY STREET that is my own experiences, and put them upon other people. Everyone is different, everyone is each of his/her own. What’s right for me, might not be the right thing for you...But now, today, I’m going to talk about what I’ve gone through mostly for my friends who are in need of some honest opinions...and if anyone out there in the same situation, please read, imagine I’m your friend, and maybe, just maybe it can help you a little.
The reason it seems like I’ve only met nice guys, may have something to do with the fact that I DON’T LET ANYONE being an asshole to me. Sounds ridiculous? Sure, I DON’T LET THEM! but HOW? The truth is anyone could treat you as badly how much you ALLOW them to. I know you may say it’s a lot easier to say then actually do it, rightly so...because I’ve been there....and I know how hard it was.
Because my first serious bf was probably the ugliest, the worst human being I’ve ever known...There’s no point to get into details but it was the most abusive relationship I’ve ever encountered...physically & mentally...I was unhappy for more than 5 years...so unhappy that I was self-harm, self-destructive, and literally slowly, painfully destroying myself without anybody knowing...but him.
I was lucky, very lucky to come out of that relationship alive.....and with lots of money spent on therapies.
It was a dead end relationship, yet ever so hopeful, and mostly with great stupidity...I had hoped by some miracle it would get better. How? I didn’t know...most of the 7 years relationship we had contented his jealousy, anger, and selfishness tower me. I was told I would not be able to “make it” by myself if he had left me...I was told a lot of things, I believed all of them...like most girls with their first love that started when they were 16...
I believed that I would be NOTHING without him, I was trapped in that abusive relationship for so long....that I felt numbed...so numbed that I didn’t feel anything anymore, no joy, no pain, no happiness, no anger, just...empty.......so numbed that most of the time I hid in the bathroom at home, at his place, crying, and cutting myself to the point there was no space left to cut without showing it.... The more I bled, the deeper I cut, the harder I dig into old wounds the more I felt alive, and the more physical pain I had the less numbed I felt, or the less heartaches I recognized.
For the longest time I was suicidal....and tried many foolish things.
Then one day...after the longest time... I looked into the mirror and didn’t recognize myself anymore, realized this was not how I wanted to live the rest of my life...feeling, BEING so unhappy...I left.
It was not easy, it took almost a year to finally leave him. Once he realized he had no control over me he had done almost everything to stop me...from begging, to threatening (my favorite threat was... if he caught me with whoever that go so far as touching me, he would killed both of us) to stalking, school, work, went by my house and sat outside till 3am to see who dropped me off when I went out, hacked into my email account for 6 months....that ironically when he got so pissed off at an email I got from an admirer who I didn’t even like he “confronted” me with this unimaginable rage...After seeing that I was so horrified, so shocked, and never felt that my privacy being more violated in my life....instead of apologizing (which he never did till this day) he told me that "I" should THANK him, and appreciate how “honest” he was...he could have gone on reading my email for years but didn’t, and because of what an up standing citizen he was, he “chose” to tell me the “truth” (the fact that he couldn't control himself and went all psycho on me because of the other guy has NOTHING to do with it...right.)
THAT my friends, was just 1% of all the doses he gave me during that god awful relationship.
However, at the end, I was as much to blame as him because I didn’t leave him earlier. I stayed, I TOOK IT, I LET HIM! He was the biggest asshole I’ve ever known but I let him treated me that way. If the first time it happened you didn’t do anything about it, it's YOUR message to the guy that IT WAS OK to treat you that way, even though it wasn’t.
I have learned that the hard way. I have paid for it...A LOT....STILL......There are parts of me that damaged, that was scarred so badly that could never completely heal, or take back. Until this day I still look over my shoulder whenever I go back to visit DC, until this day my heart skipped every time I see a car that looked remotely like his (even though I’m sure he no longer drives it)...until this day I have nightmares with him being back in my life (though since I met duckee it has reduced significantly...awww duckee) and most of those times, everything seemed so real still with all that feelings bottled up inside me...that I often woken up trembling with fear. Poor midget, I think he had the worst of it, most night he had to hold my head while I slept... or spent comforting me every time I woke up all shaken. Good old midget, I never told him why... except someone was chasing me...He held me "monkee, whoever was chasing you just remember that I am always behind chasing, and kicking their ass" :) My problem with nightmare was so dominant to him, that the very first gift he got me was a dream catcher :)
It took me YEARS to have enough courage to pick myself up and left. I’m not going to lie that parts of me I am very proud of myself for being able to do all that...to leave, to get professional helps, to want that much of happiness in my life that I mustered up whatever I have left in me to pick up my pieces... BY MYSELF!!!
I did it all without anyone help, no friends, no family, no counselors...just me. My friends were all back in VN, I had few people I knew in the states...none were closed enough to open my wounds to...plus it was too horrible to tell my best friends back in VN, they were not here...what could they do? Not until much later after I know I couldn’t do it alone I maxed out my credit cards going to therapies.
And yet a HUGE part of me wish that if only, if ONLY I had a friend closed by, a friend that suspected what went on to help me...NOT just to lend an ear, but to beat me out of my self-pitied miserable self, beat some senses in me to realized how stupid I’ve been, to realized the reason I stuck around with him WAS NOT LOVE, but being a COWARD.
Most people may argue that they were in love, therefore blinded with all the horrible things that went on in their relationship...I call that BS! That was not love, that was denial, that was insecurity, that was fear...fear of being alone, fear of finding out the truth, fear of having to take action to leave, fear of having to start all over again. That wasn’t being blinded but PRETENDED to be! Why? Because it’s A LOT EASIER to pretend you don’t know, to just take it in, to tell yourself that one day things will get better....All of that is a lot easier than to face the truth head on, easier than telling yourself that being abused in a relationship IS NOT OK.
At the end, as wounded as I am now, I’m still glad that I went through all of it. I’ve learned to love myself, to appreciate myself more than I ever could. As shitty as that relationship was I got to know, to understand so much more about myself, about who I was, who I am, who I can strive to be....in turn I also learned to see true human nature behind all their masks, all their facades that covering up people for who they truly are.
Anyone who has ever known me can see how much I love life, how much I appreciate and enjoy every single little things life has to offer...every breath I take, every single ray of sunshine, every kiss, every hug, every single moment I get to spend with my friends, my family, or be able to work, and work hard...
I understand that people with their own problems, their own insecurities (I also truly believe insecurity is one of the ugliest human trace, every horrible thing that human beings do to each other, if you look closely...caused by his/her own insecurity)... they project their own unhappiness, their own negativity on other people, and take great joy in that because they hate who they are underneath...people like my ex...
But thanks to him, I have never EVER let anyone else treat me that way again, not even remotely close to what he did. I have met a lot more guys with a huge ego like his, with nothing inside, so empty, so ugly, so insecure that they tried their best to cover it up with all these snazzy little tricks...designer clothes, fancy cars, lots of big talk, all carrying a chip on their shoulder... but with a big empty space inside.
My friends always surprised how there was a period of my life before duckee, I've dated quite an amount of guys...for a very short time...as long as 2 months, as short as 1 date. Even though, they all treated me like a queen...and no, this is NOT an ego stroke, because it has NOTHING to do with me, I could be any girl!...It's all because that's what most dickheads think women love. Sure the attentions are nice, but a fake personality, an insincere compliment/gift, a horny moron....are all very easy to spot. Sometimes, I was quick on my feet I saw it right away, at times it took a few months...but as soon as I saw the sight I saved myself, and his time to break it off. I REFUSE to stick around to find out what he could have, might have done to me... I REFUSE to wait around and hope that he will change like I once did..... Dude, number one lesson in life...ASSHOLE NEVER CHANGE!
So....
...Friend, I know, I understand that it's really hard now...but Nobody is going to love you as much as you love yourself, and I do mean NO ONE, not even your parents. You can't keep sticking around for bad apples, and I'm saying this for both of you. You will do the person you care for a favor too, to save each other heartaches from a bad relationship.
Someone once told me their relationship is not THAT bad, because they do have extremely good times too, only when it's bad it's extremely bad. One day those extremely good times are not going to be enough to save the extremely bad times. Sure there are the ups and downs, the bad and good in a relationship but none should be bad enough to make you feel so miserable, so unhappy to the point you hate yourself.
You can’t set out to save anybody, as much as you care for that person, and nobody can set out to save you!
Happiness is what you make for yourself, so as most of unhappiness in the world. At the end, YOU, you are the sources of it all....It is as you make it, no one, and I do mean NO ONE – not your friends, not your family, not your significant other will be able to hand that to you on a silver platter. You gotta want it so bad that it gets to the core of every single bone you have in your body to go after if YOURSELF...even if that means you have to leave whoever, whatever you think you can't live without. Just don't settle for less, because "The moment you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."
No matter how you think you can't live without that person, you will be able to. Life is funny that way. The most unhealthy, the most disturbing thing is to think that just because you’re not with someone, doesn’t mean that you can’t be whole. You gotta be your own best friend! You gotta be able to find joy in life on your own, being with someone might heighten the whole experiences but it doesn't mean whatever you have will not be fulfilled with just you. Another person doesn't make up for whatever you think is missing in your life. YOUR life, YOUR happiness will still has its own meaning and purpose with just YOU.
Coincidentally, I just turned 29 yesterday...while writing this I just realized that for years I don't ever really talk about this to anyone but duckee and another friend. It's not because it's something that I'm ashamed of....quite the opposite. This is.... by far.... one of the things I'm most proud of, right up there with gotten my designs picked hah! Because it's made up of who I am today, it's a triumphant story...that I did it, friends I DID IT! I MADE IT OUT ALIVE & KICKING.
I wouldn't say I've been through a lot, but I've had my shares of tough times, enough to appreciate everything I have now.....and know enough pain to value my own happiness, however small it is, and to NEVER let my life get that low again, for ANYONE. I've been to the darkest place of my life, but I got myself out of the mess alive, and look where I am now hah.... Am probably not the smartest gal on the block, but boy did I get so much smarter, and stronger than I ever was before.
I don't talk about it because there really isn't anything to talk about. It's not like something I could talk over wine & cheese with my friends....unless if you need help, need to hear an encouragement, need a nudge in the butt to get off your ass and do something about your problems...then this story might be just the right encouragement for you.
So friends, no matter how hard it seems now, no matter how impossible it feels that you could ever find happiness....I promise you, one day, it WILL get better :)
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One of my favorites website of all time the New York Daily Photo by Brian Debé (New York City - a place of diversity. Visit a daily photo blog of the timely, the timeless, the classic, the unexpected and the hidden gems by a long time resident who shares his love of New York.) Brian posted this wonderful post a few years back that really touched my heart, I hope it'll do the same to you.
RAY OF LIGHT
I just tore my camera out on this one - it was like a religious experience. A friend who lives in Park Slope says she has been up and down that stairwell hundreds of times over many years and has never seen anything like it. If you have ever really watched the sun or moon closely, you know how quickly conditions like this change. I think there was a tiny window of opportunity at this stairwell and I was there. But the larger point here is that the opportunity to find beauty and joy is ever present. If you have ever spent time around an eternal optimist, then you have witnessed this first hand. Many individuals indulge in the dark side and equate this with being real. They see people who are very positive as fluffy. But I think they do secretly wish they had the ability to live an easier and happier life. There is a great scene in Woody Allen's Annie Hall where Alvy (played by Woody) runs across a beautiful, happy looking couple on the street: Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you? Female street stranger: Yeah. Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it? Female street stranger: Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say. Male street stranger: And I'm exactly the same way. Alvy Singer: I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something? At the end of the day, being a cynical, skeptical, overly serious individual can be wearing. There are a lot of whiners in the world and New York City has plenty of them. Life here is very hard and stressful and it is a very easy place to get into the trap being negative and thinking that things would be better somewhere else or with different means or circumstances. Most of us have all the preconditions for happiness here and now. A sense of humor helps. At the risk of being preachy or newagey, I would suggest looking for that ray of light. Happiness is more a choice than a condition ...
And for me? After 29 years...I finally found my true happiness in eating crawfish muahaha
 Taken 2 weeks ago when I went to Houston to visit my best friend dkny
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 Manhattan in the rain....I took this when I was on the bus on the way home with my phone
Yet, deep down some way, some where I’m still missing a friend, a good friend. I probably haven’t seen him since I was 17...that’s 12 years ago! and my heart still aches every time I thought of him. I miss him, I miss our friendship so much that sometimes it’s unbearable.
We were in the same class in high school; and it was a great fortune that we were seated next to each other...We couldn't be anymore opposite, he was one of the smartest kid in class, I was NOT, he was a baaad baaad boy in many ways, I was a retard about everything, he’s always out and about, I was always home, overly protected, overly sheltered by my parents. Sometimes, I think that’s what draw us to each other. Our differences are what made us getting along so well. Before we know it, before the world know it we became inseparable, everywhere we go we were attached by the hips.
Most people thought we were dating but we didn’t care to correct them. He had a gf, I was dating someone else. Most of the time, it just felt natural that we should be together, come & leave together, sit next to each other wherever we go. We talked about everything, we told each other everything. I think he was the first person to explain to me what sex was really all about, and he usually joked that I was the only virgin left that he knew...hah.
He called me his Short Hippo heh, I called him (coincidentally) my Duck. I still have cards, and notes he gave me with his crooked handwriting, with every single one of them ends with ...."Tri Ky" - Soul mate...for years, time and again we talked how we would be friends forever.
Then our world was up side down when one day his parents all of the sudden picked up everything, took him out of school, and moved. I never even had a chance to say goodbye. Later I found out he was the reason why his parents willing to give up everything. There was drug, gang, lots of bad stuff involved. I sort of knew but my head at the time couldn't really wrap around it, couldn't really understand how bad things were.
He used to show me how to roll a perfect tube (??? I don’t even know what it’s called) with a piece of money, to do lines with it.....And yet I didn’t know, YES I was THAT stupid. Most of the time he sealed me away from all of it. I thought my parents were overprotected about everything, but in fact he was even worse, because he was supposed to be my friends.
I then realized that’s why we got along so well, I was supposed to be something good, genuine, and innocent to the point naive, and he wasn't...yet I could see a lot of goodness in him, we had fun together. Most of the time he just enjoyed my silly self, and I was too ignorant to know that he was deep into a complete different other world, a world he always tried to protect me from.
I remember how he tried NOT to introduce me to his friends outside of school, how he sometimes wandering the street on his motorcycle at a time that no kids should EVER be allowed to leave home. Then I realized he was never a kid, I was! In our relationship he had always been an adult, always tried to take care of me, always be there to wipe my tears, or tell me everything is going to be ok. Even with very very little things....like....There were many times I was late for extra courses, after school programs and supposed to get hit with bamboo stick (yeah they do this in VN) but he always got up and took them for me in front of the class....And then, when something actually happened to him, I wasn’t there.
I frantically looked for him everywhere...I asked his friends, people who knew him, or where his family could have gone. I didn’t even have a moped, I rode bicycle. So I bribed another friend to drive me around to knock on people’s door to look for him. One time, I came so close, I went to his aunt's town (right outside of Saigon) and his family was actually there. But because I didn’t know the address, I had to go to every single streets, knocked on every single doors....but all was in vain.
I cried a lot, I thought I had lost him forever.
Then a year later he contacted me
He had switched school, house, town, he promised me he's been cleaned for quite some times, but for some reason he still wouldn't tell me where he lived, his phone number, or even what his new school was. But I didn't care, he came back, he found me, we could be friends again. Then there was so many things I wanted to tell him...how I just started to date someone new, someone much older than us, how I had my first kiss, and even though it was kinda like he described it :) it wasn't like anything I had imagined at all, but most of all I wanted to tell him how glad I was that all would be well again.
But all wasn't well.
Soon he told me how much he had thought about us, how much he missed me all that time, and the shocker: how much he loved me and wanted us to be together. I'm sure at this point just like everybody else in our life at the time, you would smack the table "of course, of course he was in love with you" apparently everyone knew this was coming, EVERYONE BUT ME.
I remember how I almost drop my drink, how shaky my hands were when I told him "No, no, no..." Not only I denied him completely, I was angry at him, angry for screwing everything up, for taking our friendship for granted.But he wasn't mad at me, he was so patient. Weeks after that he kept trying to convince me many many times.... He kept reassuring me that he had changed a lot, all the bad stuff had gone, that I was the person that made him tried to change, tried to be better. He thought the reason I didn't want to be with him was because I didn't believe he could change, or actually quit all the bad stuff, but that was NOT the reason at all.
I just didn't love him, not like that, even the idea of kissing him was so revolting that I squirmed and wanted to throw up...only because it would be like kissing my own brother. I didn't know how to explain all that without hurting him...I ended up hurting him...A LOT....
We met a few times after that, and I always put an ocean of people between us. We never really said anything to each other...sometimes, I caught him looking at me from a distance, and remembering that look now breaks my heart all over again.
That was the last time I saw him.... Before I immigrant with my family to the States, I tried to relocate him for one more time, just so I can say goodbye....Only when I know I might never see him again I realized what a fool I've been for pushing him away, realized how much I missed him, and loved him as a friends. Last I heard of him then was that he got into one of the most famous Universities in the country, and will become a Physic professor...That put a smile on my face, I always knew he was a smarty then, and all he ever known about me was that I could do doodling, lots of doodling :) I was also so proud of him, he didn't give up, he could have and then blame everything on me...Nah, he was smarter than that, he turned his life around and tried to become someone much better with a bright future.
I know now, I wish I could have handled everything better, but how could I? I was literally a kid back then. I had never loved anyone, really didn't know what loving someone really mean, and no one had ever expressed their love and affection to me that passionately, (almost violently) like he did before. It was a lot to swallow, a lot to really digest. For me it was a lot easier to be angry at him then to be sad, or to feel lost.
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One time we got into an accident, we got into a crash and his huge ass Rebel motorcycle fell with me underneath (yes, his dumb ass, who got us in an accident in the first place quickly jumped out) my whole ankle was burnt by the exhaustion, and worse when he pulled the motorcycle up the exhaustion stripped my skin with it...Ouch!!! He apologized profusely, felt very guilty about it, took care of my wound, cleaned & bandaged it before taking me home ...and yet I caught a glimpse of him being a little too please with himself when he thought I wasn't looking...Later he confessed that he stupidly thought that...from then on, I would never be able to forget him whenever I look at my scar....WTF!!! I think I punched him in the face after.
Yet now, when my scar is completely gone; you can’t even tell that here once had a huge scar...Still sometimes when I find myself running my fingers through the scar that no longer there, I thought of him.
The older I get, the more I grow up, the more I think of him....I often wonder where he is, how his life has been, wonder if he's married, with a bunch of cute kids...or not
I'm not sure we could ever be friends like before even when things hadn't happened like they did...probably not, people change. I'm not the same person when I was in my 14-17. What once was innocent in me had lost forever, for the better I hope, but I think what held us together back then wouldn't be able to hold us now...But who knows, maybe we would be able to grow with each other, would be there to witness how the other person hopefully grow into a better person.
I did try to find him many times in the pass years, but then I finally gave up...let it go...and move on...
Nowadays, I only find myself thinking of him when I'm completely alone...in my own space, my own being that I think about us....Perhaps, because whatever we had then was more than just him, but myself too....He was like a bright light that really show me a rare glimpse of myself, of what was once pure and innocent that I actually (surprisingly :)).... had in me....For that I thank him, miss him, and cherish all the memories we've ever had.
I remember how really really late at in the middle of the night he would peeped me on my pager to call him (instead of calling my house) just to ask me what I wanted to eat....anywhere in the city then he'd go get it for me...There was this delicious sweet sticky rice in Chinatown....or fried chicken in front of the Notre Dame church downtown Saigon...He went to get them for me, and brought to my house. Then I snuck out, and ate it at the gate while he was just hanging out with me on his motorcycle....I can't really remember what we talked about, only this warm wonderful feeling left, but who cares....because this is one of the best memories I've ever had of him...
“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.” David Tyson Gentry 
At the end, I'm sure I was as heart broken about it as much as he was.
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Dudee, I just looked at my Calendar and it’s fucking July...JULY, YOU GUYS!!! WTF where did half of the year go??? Gawwd I have become a houseplant in term of laziness.....I mean look at this place!!! I haven’t even updated anything that worth a real shit & giggle for awhile....Why? How could this be? Well mostly because I don’t give a rat ass  Heh, last few weeks I read THIS ARTICLE about how Disney is coming out with its first major black heroine later this year in "The Frog and the Princess," but to the dismay of Disney executives (hah), the film got so much hate from everyone and anyone... Well, first of....I think I have 1 tip for the Disney executives.... surprise surprise..."people will never ever be happy...NEVER" they could always nit pick ANYTHING, so if you think people will give you less shiet because you create your first black princess 'cuz you actually care what the public think (the public is stupid anyway, GAH I hate the public)...then, you’re dead wrong. Second, I have very strong opinions about the whole thing, very very strong....but I’m sure you don’t care to know, and I don’t care if you don’t care...heh so I’m not going to spend much time writing about it. It’s hard for me to really relate to this whole situation because I have a very bias opinion. First, cuz we sort of work for Disney (my company is a licensed product-design company for them) and we’ve been preparing on lots of new designs for this new heroine (I personally think she’s adorable) Not only is she the first black princess, she's the first American princess. We've never had an American princess!!!
 Third, I love love love Disney works. I might not be a fan of their TV shows, movies (or don't know much about to even know where to begin) but their cartoons? 3D animations??? Man, I heartlessly love them...How could you not? I don't care what people say how Disney becomes all business and shiet, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! There, I said it, how could you hate something that always ALWAYS reminds you of your childhood, of one of the sweetest memories you ever had? I grew up watching The Littler Mermaid, mostly because that was the only video tape we had heh but dudeee I could barely speak English, yet I could totally belt out "Under The Sea" with Sebastian any given time. (Also that's another reason I named my little stuffed duck...SEBAS hehe shorten from SEBASTIAN  ) And then there are Lion King, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella (OMG remember Gus Gus, the FAT mice??? .."Uhh uhh Gus Gus...") AND THUMPER....dude THUMPEEERRRRR!!! Also TWITTERPATED!!! I swear Twitterpated is like THE BEST SEX ED I'VE EVER HAD as a kid And you know what else I just realized??? Without Disney there would be NO BAMBI and FÉLINE....*GASP* Fuck that shiet, if you mess with Disney, you mess with the Lo's Sisters!!! Fast forward to 2:00 mark to see how Bambi meet Féline again (or Faline in the English version) after they're all grown up. And don't even let me BEGIN on Pixar works....Hellooooo Monster Inc, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, RATATOUILLE, and OMG OMG... UP!!! (If you haven't seen UP, please DO IT!!!) Ugh how can I even explain how wrong this is??? Hmm but then I can give you the last part of the article that says a whole lot (and a lot less angry) that I ever could: “Perhaps the final word — for now — should come from somebody who is African-American and a former Disney animator.
“Overly sensitive people see racial or ethnic slights in every image,” wrote Floyd Norman, whose credits span from “Sleeping Beauty” to “Mulan,” in a 2007 essay on the Web site Jim Hill Media. “And in their zeal to sanitize and pasteurize everything, they’ve taken all the fun out of cartoon making.”I mean it’s a lot easier to passionately HATE something, than passionately LOVE something...just like it’s much easier to destroy something than to build it. And most people enjoy hating, bringing down and destroying other people’s spirit, perhaps because they have none of their own? Methinks we live in a damn sad sad world  Personally, I think most of us artists are all in the same way...you gotta design for design’s sake, NOT for money, fame, deadline or anything else. If you don’t find joy in designing, creating...it will DEFINITELY shows in your designs. It’s that simple, please trust me on this one. Of course it’s not a good thing, it’s a horrible thing...I always admire people who can do anything on a fly in any situation. I don’t need to live in a perfect condition to work, but I do need to feel inspired by the project. There’s nothing I hate more than people giving me projects that they have absolutely zero interests in it. It’s ok if you don’t have a vision (because that my job) but it’s not ok to NOT care for your own project. If you don’t, I can't; it’s actually THAT simple. My friends always asked me why I don't turn my blog into a food blog, make it into a professional website and actually make money off it. I mean I can actually design a good website for myself, I cook weirdass/fancy food, I try crazy things, I eat out all the time too, I even write my own recipes, and take pictures of EVERYTHING. I mean, all I need to do...REALLY is to add ads on my new website, right?....So what's stopping me??? Money!!! That's what! I just can't do these things for money. It’s for fun, for shit and giggles. If you put a price tag on it, for me, it will all go down hills from there. I can’t make ANYTHING for money. Not even at my job, I cannot think about how much money my designs will worth, how much the company will make off that order and be able to work...Everyday, I literally actually have to sit down and.....DREAM, daydream, think of something else, think that I create this for MYSELF, for my dream, for my vision only...everything else will have to come after. Lucky that what I envision, has been good for the clients so far. I used to open a store on Etsy, and I couldn’t sell a thing, NOT even ONE, so I shut it off. All because I couldn’t be parted from my paintings/drawings/photographs....I just can’t. I can give it away FOR FREE, for people I love, because then it actually means something, and the person who receives it on the other end will hopefully care for it as much as I do. The first drawing I did that got in the Verizon gallery in DC actually got offers from people that would like to purchase it. Even though I put underneath the drawing NFS (Not For Sale.) These were good offers, enough money to make the poor broke student in me squealed with joy and should sell it in a heartbeat. I didn’t, now it’s hanging in my parent’s basement (soon to be sent to dkny-my best friend) just as I always thought it should. This kinda thing just works itself out at the end, isn't it? I used to write movie reviews in Vietnamese too, and boy did that screw me up. I could be a very good movie reviewer, except once I became one I could not for the life of me ever enjoy any movies again in that period. All I could see when I sat down to watch the movie were flaws!!! Or technical aspects of it, how the camera worked, how the actors ...well acted, how the music, costumes, cinematography all worked together. After 2 years, I quit, and it took me another year to recover, and actually be able to go back to just enjoy a movie, and care about absolutely nothing else. So there, the reason why I don't write much is just because I don't have time & I'm just plain lazy if I don't feel like it, I'm just not going to do it, that's all. I've been cooking a lot as usual but I don't feel like posting up the recipes, just because it is what it is...I cook to feed myself & people I love first not for some damn website and people I don't give 2 shits about. Anyway, the article about Disney latest work just made me sort of sad, sort of see what I've always known.... What else that makes the whole thing even more sad is that this is possibly the LAST hand drawn animation Disney will ever made. Mostly because it has become like a lost art...hand drawn cartoon so I suggest you grab your kids, your friends, your SO to go see it in Dec...before it's too late
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| You know what ruffled my feathers??? GUILT TRIP!!!
I mean I know, I know……everyone and their mothers are doing it. Your mom does it, my mom does it, all parents do…that’s like their specialty. To make your kids do anything, you gotta play the guilt trip card. I get it, I really do…therefore, parents are about the only people I’ll give free pass for playing that card…the rest of the world can fucking suck my d…
You know what pissed me off the most??? Only the people that you care for, that are close to you get to play the guilt trip game… I mean you fuckers won’t even be able to try that on anyone else but people that love you. You see my point?? You feel me? How fucked up is THAT???
And you know who has never ruffled my feathers??? DUCKEE!!!
Dude, this guy is like my hero. Of all the people that totally can use Guilt Trip on me and make it work, this guy could totally do it, and legit too. Let’s see…I love him the most, we live together, he works 10 times as hard, and I’m being a jerk to him ALL THE TIME.
But no, never, not even once did he use his busy schedule to make me feel guilty when I ask him to do anything for me.
Not even once, did he make me feel bad because he works a lot harder than me, pay for a lot more stuff than me, or make me feel like he deserves to come home have his dinner ready and not lift a finger…NO, he appreciates every single little thing I do for him, even though it’s almost my “duty” to do everything because he works 100+ hours/week. Yet, he has never made me feel so.
After 2 years he still thank me like 5 times a day…for doing laundry, for cooking dinner, for cleaning the apt, for washing dishes, for loving him, for taking care of him…
He even got me flowers last week :)
Not even once, did he make me feel guilty for going out, having fun almost 90% out of the time while he slaves away at work…
NOT EVEN ONCE, you see that? That’s what people do when they love and care for someone. In fact, he does the opposite; he encourages me to do things, to have fun, to enjoy life with/without him.
The more I live, the more I love the people around me, the more I care, then the more I notice how much they enjoy making you feel guilty even though they don’t give a fuck in the first place.
You know what? I think I fucking am DONE!!! NO MORE!!! I’m not going to do anything, not even ONE damn thing the next time my friends play that fucked up game on me.
The next time you give me shit because I didn’t call you when I’m in town, just because your ass ALWAYS say no and give me BS reason not to, every time I do call.
The next time you forget we make plans, even though we do like weeks before that, and then you blame me for not REMINDING you….ugh should I also remind you that we’re fucking adults and when we make plan/promise…WE FUCKING KEEP IT ASSHOLE.
The next time you feel like I don’t invite you to shit anymore, maybe you should take a look at yourself to see why.
The next time you complain I don’t have time to do FREE design works for you, because I’m “too busy being a party girl”
I will tell you to go fuck yourself!!!
Thank you and good day!!!
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