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 Manhattan in the rain....I took this when I was on the bus on the way home with my phone
Yet, deep down some way, some where I’m still missing a friend, a good friend. I probably haven’t seen him since I was 17...that’s 12 years ago! and my heart still aches every time I thought of him. I miss him, I miss our friendship so much that sometimes it’s unbearable.
We were in the same class in high school; and it was a great fortune that we were seated next to each other...We couldn't be anymore opposite, he was one of the smartest kid in class, I was NOT, he was a baaad baaad boy in many ways, I was a retard about everything, he’s always out and about, I was always home, overly protected, overly sheltered by my parents. Sometimes, I think that’s what draw us to each other. Our differences are what made us getting along so well. Before we know it, before the world know it we became inseparable, everywhere we go we were attached by the hips.
Most people thought we were dating but we didn’t care to correct them. He had a gf, I was dating someone else. Most of the time, it just felt natural that we should be together, come & leave together, sit next to each other wherever we go. We talked about everything, we told each other everything. I think he was the first person to explain to me what sex was really all about, and he usually joked that I was the only virgin left that he knew...hah.
He called me his Short Hippo heh, I called him (coincidentally) my Duck. I still have cards, and notes he gave me with his crooked handwriting, with every single one of them ends with ...."Tri Ky" - Soul mate...for years, time and again we talked how we would be friends forever.
Then our world was up side down when one day his parents all of the sudden picked up everything, took him out of school, and moved. I never even had a chance to say goodbye. Later I found out he was the reason why his parents willing to give up everything. There was drug, gang, lots of bad stuff involved. I sort of knew but my head at the time couldn't really wrap around it, couldn't really understand how bad things were.
He used to show me how to roll a perfect tube (??? I don’t even know what it’s called) with a piece of money, to do lines with it.....And yet I didn’t know, YES I was THAT stupid. Most of the time he sealed me away from all of it. I thought my parents were overprotected about everything, but in fact he was even worse, because he was supposed to be my friends.
I then realized that’s why we got along so well, I was supposed to be something good, genuine, and innocent to the point naive, and he wasn't...yet I could see a lot of goodness in him, we had fun together. Most of the time he just enjoyed my silly self, and I was too ignorant to know that he was deep into a complete different other world, a world he always tried to protect me from.
I remember how he tried NOT to introduce me to his friends outside of school, how he sometimes wandering the street on his motorcycle at a time that no kids should EVER be allowed to leave home. Then I realized he was never a kid, I was! In our relationship he had always been an adult, always tried to take care of me, always be there to wipe my tears, or tell me everything is going to be ok. Even with very very little things....like....There were many times I was late for extra courses, after school programs and supposed to get hit with bamboo stick (yeah they do this in VN) but he always got up and took them for me in front of the class....And then, when something actually happened to him, I wasn’t there.
I frantically looked for him everywhere...I asked his friends, people who knew him, or where his family could have gone. I didn’t even have a moped, I rode bicycle. So I bribed another friend to drive me around to knock on people’s door to look for him. One time, I came so close, I went to his aunt's town (right outside of Saigon) and his family was actually there. But because I didn’t know the address, I had to go to every single streets, knocked on every single doors....but all was in vain.
I cried a lot, I thought I had lost him forever.
Then a year later he contacted me
He had switched school, house, town, he promised me he's been cleaned for quite some times, but for some reason he still wouldn't tell me where he lived, his phone number, or even what his new school was. But I didn't care, he came back, he found me, we could be friends again. Then there was so many things I wanted to tell him...how I just started to date someone new, someone much older than us, how I had my first kiss, and even though it was kinda like he described it :) it wasn't like anything I had imagined at all, but most of all I wanted to tell him how glad I was that all would be well again.
But all wasn't well.
Soon he told me how much he had thought about us, how much he missed me all that time, and the shocker: how much he loved me and wanted us to be together. I'm sure at this point just like everybody else in our life at the time, you would smack the table "of course, of course he was in love with you" apparently everyone knew this was coming, EVERYONE BUT ME.
I remember how I almost drop my drink, how shaky my hands were when I told him "No, no, no..." Not only I denied him completely, I was angry at him, angry for screwing everything up, for taking our friendship for granted.But he wasn't mad at me, he was so patient. Weeks after that he kept trying to convince me many many times.... He kept reassuring me that he had changed a lot, all the bad stuff had gone, that I was the person that made him tried to change, tried to be better. He thought the reason I didn't want to be with him was because I didn't believe he could change, or actually quit all the bad stuff, but that was NOT the reason at all.
I just didn't love him, not like that, even the idea of kissing him was so revolting that I squirmed and wanted to throw up...only because it would be like kissing my own brother. I didn't know how to explain all that without hurting him...I ended up hurting him...A LOT....
We met a few times after that, and I always put an ocean of people between us. We never really said anything to each other...sometimes, I caught him looking at me from a distance, and remembering that look now breaks my heart all over again.
That was the last time I saw him.... Before I immigrant with my family to the States, I tried to relocate him for one more time, just so I can say goodbye....Only when I know I might never see him again I realized what a fool I've been for pushing him away, realized how much I missed him, and loved him as a friends. Last I heard of him then was that he got into one of the most famous Universities in the country, and will become a Physic professor...That put a smile on my face, I always knew he was a smarty then, and all he ever known about me was that I could do doodling, lots of doodling :) I was also so proud of him, he didn't give up, he could have and then blame everything on me...Nah, he was smarter than that, he turned his life around and tried to become someone much better with a bright future.
I know now, I wish I could have handled everything better, but how could I? I was literally a kid back then. I had never loved anyone, really didn't know what loving someone really mean, and no one had ever expressed their love and affection to me that passionately, (almost violently) like he did before. It was a lot to swallow, a lot to really digest. For me it was a lot easier to be angry at him then to be sad, or to feel lost.
.............................................
One time we got into an accident, we got into a crash and his huge ass Rebel motorcycle fell with me underneath (yes, his dumb ass, who got us in an accident in the first place quickly jumped out) my whole ankle was burnt by the exhaustion, and worse when he pulled the motorcycle up the exhaustion stripped my skin with it...Ouch!!! He apologized profusely, felt very guilty about it, took care of my wound, cleaned & bandaged it before taking me home ...and yet I caught a glimpse of him being a little too please with himself when he thought I wasn't looking...Later he confessed that he stupidly thought that...from then on, I would never be able to forget him whenever I look at my scar....WTF!!! I think I punched him in the face after.
Yet now, when my scar is completely gone; you can’t even tell that here once had a huge scar...Still sometimes when I find myself running my fingers through the scar that no longer there, I thought of him.
The older I get, the more I grow up, the more I think of him....I often wonder where he is, how his life has been, wonder if he's married, with a bunch of cute kids...or not
I'm not sure we could ever be friends like before even when things hadn't happened like they did...probably not, people change. I'm not the same person when I was in my 14-17. What once was innocent in me had lost forever, for the better I hope, but I think what held us together back then wouldn't be able to hold us now...But who knows, maybe we would be able to grow with each other, would be there to witness how the other person hopefully grow into a better person.
I did try to find him many times in the pass years, but then I finally gave up...let it go...and move on...
Nowadays, I only find myself thinking of him when I'm completely alone...in my own space, my own being that I think about us....Perhaps, because whatever we had then was more than just him, but myself too....He was like a bright light that really show me a rare glimpse of myself, of what was once pure and innocent that I actually (surprisingly :)).... had in me....For that I thank him, miss him, and cherish all the memories we've ever had.
I remember how really really late at in the middle of the night he would peeped me on my pager to call him (instead of calling my house) just to ask me what I wanted to eat....anywhere in the city then he'd go get it for me...There was this delicious sweet sticky rice in Chinatown....or fried chicken in front of the Notre Dame church downtown Saigon...He went to get them for me, and brought to my house. Then I snuck out, and ate it at the gate while he was just hanging out with me on his motorcycle....I can't really remember what we talked about, only this warm wonderful feeling left, but who cares....because this is one of the best memories I've ever had of him...
“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.” David Tyson Gentry 
At the end, I'm sure I was as heart broken about it as much as he was.
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