| | This lengthy winded post is for several friends who are in a not so great relationship, who soon will be married to someone they don't love, who I couldn't help because how can one help someone if that person didn't want to help her/himself? I write you this for one and one purpose only: There's happiness, but you gotta go after it yourself.
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Almost every single friend of mine one time or another commented on how LUCKY I am with guys.....not only because of duckee, or midget, but even guys I casually dated are always supposed to be on the nice side.
THAT probably was the most ridiculous/could-not-be-anymore-wrong comment I’ve ever heard my entire life.
Sure I’m lucky enough to have met duckee who is awesome in every single way, but please trust me when I say I also have enough of my share of ASSHOLES as much as the next girl, if not more.
Honestly I really hate to draw conclusion, or ideas from solely the ONE WAY STREET that is my own experiences, and put them upon other people. Everyone is different, everyone is each of his/her own. What’s right for me, might not be the right thing for you...But now, today, I’m going to talk about what I’ve gone through mostly for my friends who are in need of some honest opinions...and if anyone out there in the same situation, please read, imagine I’m your friend, and maybe, just maybe it can help you a little.
The reason it seems like I’ve only met nice guys, may have something to do with the fact that I DON’T LET ANYONE being an asshole to me. Sounds ridiculous? Sure, I DON’T LET THEM! but HOW? The truth is anyone could treat you as badly how much you ALLOW them to. I know you may say it’s a lot easier to say then actually do it, rightly so...because I’ve been there....and I know how hard it was.
Because my first serious bf was probably the ugliest, the worst human being I’ve ever known...There’s no point to get into details but it was the most abusive relationship I’ve ever encountered...physically & mentally...I was unhappy for more than 5 years...so unhappy that I was self-harm, self-destructive, and literally slowly, painfully destroying myself without anybody knowing...but him.
I was lucky, very lucky to come out of that relationship alive.....and with lots of money spent on therapies.
It was a dead end relationship, yet ever so hopeful, and mostly with great stupidity...I had hoped by some miracle it would get better. How? I didn’t know...most of the 7 years relationship we had contented his jealousy, anger, and selfishness tower me. I was told I would not be able to “make it” by myself if he had left me...I was told a lot of things, I believed all of them...like most girls with their first love that started when they were 16...
I believed that I would be NOTHING without him, I was trapped in that abusive relationship for so long....that I felt numbed...so numbed that I didn’t feel anything anymore, no joy, no pain, no happiness, no anger, just...empty.......so numbed that most of the time I hid in the bathroom at home, at his place, crying, and cutting myself to the point there was no space left to cut without showing it.... The more I bled, the deeper I cut, the harder I dig into old wounds the more I felt alive, and the more physical pain I had the less numbed I felt, or the less heartaches I recognized.
For the longest time I was suicidal....and tried many foolish things.
Then one day...after the longest time... I looked into the mirror and didn’t recognize myself anymore, realized this was not how I wanted to live the rest of my life...feeling, BEING so unhappy...I left.
It was not easy, it took almost a year to finally leave him. Once he realized he had no control over me he had done almost everything to stop me...from begging, to threatening (my favorite threat was... if he caught me with whoever that go so far as touching me, he would killed both of us) to stalking, school, work, went by my house and sat outside till 3am to see who dropped me off when I went out, hacked into my email account for 6 months....that ironically when he got so pissed off at an email I got from an admirer who I didn’t even like he “confronted” me with this unimaginable rage...After seeing that I was so horrified, so shocked, and never felt that my privacy being more violated in my life....instead of apologizing (which he never did till this day) he told me that "I" should THANK him, and appreciate how “honest” he was...he could have gone on reading my email for years but didn’t, and because of what an up standing citizen he was, he “chose” to tell me the “truth” (the fact that he couldn't control himself and went all psycho on me because of the other guy has NOTHING to do with it...right.)
THAT my friends, was just 1% of all the doses he gave me during that god awful relationship.
However, at the end, I was as much to blame as him because I didn’t leave him earlier. I stayed, I TOOK IT, I LET HIM! He was the biggest asshole I’ve ever known but I let him treated me that way. If the first time it happened you didn’t do anything about it, it's YOUR message to the guy that IT WAS OK to treat you that way, even though it wasn’t.
I have learned that the hard way. I have paid for it...A LOT....STILL......There are parts of me that damaged, that was scarred so badly that could never completely heal, or take back. Until this day I still look over my shoulder whenever I go back to visit DC, until this day my heart skipped every time I see a car that looked remotely like his (even though I’m sure he no longer drives it)...until this day I have nightmares with him being back in my life (though since I met duckee it has reduced significantly...awww duckee) and most of those times, everything seemed so real still with all that feelings bottled up inside me...that I often woken up trembling with fear. Poor midget, I think he had the worst of it, most night he had to hold my head while I slept... or spent comforting me every time I woke up all shaken. Good old midget, I never told him why... except someone was chasing me...He held me "monkee, whoever was chasing you just remember that I am always behind chasing, and kicking their ass" :) My problem with nightmare was so dominant to him, that the very first gift he got me was a dream catcher :)
It took me YEARS to have enough courage to pick myself up and left. I’m not going to lie that parts of me I am very proud of myself for being able to do all that...to leave, to get professional helps, to want that much of happiness in my life that I mustered up whatever I have left in me to pick up my pieces... BY MYSELF!!!
I did it all without anyone help, no friends, no family, no counselors...just me. My friends were all back in VN, I had few people I knew in the states...none were closed enough to open my wounds to...plus it was too horrible to tell my best friends back in VN, they were not here...what could they do? Not until much later after I know I couldn’t do it alone I maxed out my credit cards going to therapies.
And yet a HUGE part of me wish that if only, if ONLY I had a friend closed by, a friend that suspected what went on to help me...NOT just to lend an ear, but to beat me out of my self-pitied miserable self, beat some senses in me to realized how stupid I’ve been, to realized the reason I stuck around with him WAS NOT LOVE, but being a COWARD.
Most people may argue that they were in love, therefore blinded with all the horrible things that went on in their relationship...I call that BS! That was not love, that was denial, that was insecurity, that was fear...fear of being alone, fear of finding out the truth, fear of having to take action to leave, fear of having to start all over again. That wasn’t being blinded but PRETENDED to be! Why? Because it’s A LOT EASIER to pretend you don’t know, to just take it in, to tell yourself that one day things will get better....All of that is a lot easier than to face the truth head on, easier than telling yourself that being abused in a relationship IS NOT OK.
At the end, as wounded as I am now, I’m still glad that I went through all of it. I’ve learned to love myself, to appreciate myself more than I ever could. As shitty as that relationship was I got to know, to understand so much more about myself, about who I was, who I am, who I can strive to be....in turn I also learned to see true human nature behind all their masks, all their facades that covering up people for who they truly are.
Anyone who has ever known me can see how much I love life, how much I appreciate and enjoy every single little things life has to offer...every breath I take, every single ray of sunshine, every kiss, every hug, every single moment I get to spend with my friends, my family, or be able to work, and work hard...
I understand that people with their own problems, their own insecurities (I also truly believe insecurity is one of the ugliest human trace, every horrible thing that human beings do to each other, if you look closely...caused by his/her own insecurity)... they project their own unhappiness, their own negativity on other people, and take great joy in that because they hate who they are underneath...people like my ex...
But thanks to him, I have never EVER let anyone else treat me that way again, not even remotely close to what he did. I have met a lot more guys with a huge ego like his, with nothing inside, so empty, so ugly, so insecure that they tried their best to cover it up with all these snazzy little tricks...designer clothes, fancy cars, lots of big talk, all carrying a chip on their shoulder... but with a big empty space inside.
My friends always surprised how there was a period of my life before duckee, I've dated quite an amount of guys...for a very short time...as long as 2 months, as short as 1 date. Even though, they all treated me like a queen...and no, this is NOT an ego stroke, because it has NOTHING to do with me, I could be any girl!...It's all because that's what most dickheads think women love. Sure the attentions are nice, but a fake personality, an insincere compliment/gift, a horny moron....are all very easy to spot. Sometimes, I was quick on my feet I saw it right away, at times it took a few months...but as soon as I saw the sight I saved myself, and his time to break it off. I REFUSE to stick around to find out what he could have, might have done to me... I REFUSE to wait around and hope that he will change like I once did..... Dude, number one lesson in life...ASSHOLE NEVER CHANGE!
So....
...Friend, I know, I understand that it's really hard now...but Nobody is going to love you as much as you love yourself, and I do mean NO ONE, not even your parents. You can't keep sticking around for bad apples, and I'm saying this for both of you. You will do the person you care for a favor too, to save each other heartaches from a bad relationship.
Someone once told me their relationship is not THAT bad, because they do have extremely good times too, only when it's bad it's extremely bad. One day those extremely good times are not going to be enough to save the extremely bad times. Sure there are the ups and downs, the bad and good in a relationship but none should be bad enough to make you feel so miserable, so unhappy to the point you hate yourself.
You can’t set out to save anybody, as much as you care for that person, and nobody can set out to save you!
Happiness is what you make for yourself, so as most of unhappiness in the world. At the end, YOU, you are the sources of it all....It is as you make it, no one, and I do mean NO ONE – not your friends, not your family, not your significant other will be able to hand that to you on a silver platter. You gotta want it so bad that it gets to the core of every single bone you have in your body to go after if YOURSELF...even if that means you have to leave whoever, whatever you think you can't live without. Just don't settle for less, because "The moment you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."
No matter how you think you can't live without that person, you will be able to. Life is funny that way. The most unhealthy, the most disturbing thing is to think that just because you’re not with someone, doesn’t mean that you can’t be whole. You gotta be your own best friend! You gotta be able to find joy in life on your own, being with someone might heighten the whole experiences but it doesn't mean whatever you have will not be fulfilled with just you. Another person doesn't make up for whatever you think is missing in your life. YOUR life, YOUR happiness will still has its own meaning and purpose with just YOU.
Coincidentally, I just turned 29 yesterday...while writing this I just realized that for years I don't ever really talk about this to anyone but duckee and another friend. It's not because it's something that I'm ashamed of....quite the opposite. This is.... by far.... one of the things I'm most proud of, right up there with gotten my designs picked hah! Because it's made up of who I am today, it's a triumphant story...that I did it, friends I DID IT! I MADE IT OUT ALIVE & KICKING.
I wouldn't say I've been through a lot, but I've had my shares of tough times, enough to appreciate everything I have now.....and know enough pain to value my own happiness, however small it is, and to NEVER let my life get that low again, for ANYONE. I've been to the darkest place of my life, but I got myself out of the mess alive, and look where I am now hah.... Am probably not the smartest gal on the block, but boy did I get so much smarter, and stronger than I ever was before.
I don't talk about it because there really isn't anything to talk about. It's not like something I could talk over wine & cheese with my friends....unless if you need help, need to hear an encouragement, need a nudge in the butt to get off your ass and do something about your problems...then this story might be just the right encouragement for you.
So friends, no matter how hard it seems now, no matter how impossible it feels that you could ever find happiness....I promise you, one day, it WILL get better :)
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One of my favorites website of all time the New York Daily Photo by Brian Debé (New York City - a place of diversity. Visit a daily photo blog of the timely, the timeless, the classic, the unexpected and the hidden gems by a long time resident who shares his love of New York.) Brian posted this wonderful post a few years back that really touched my heart, I hope it'll do the same to you.
RAY OF LIGHT
I just tore my camera out on this one - it was like a religious experience. A friend who lives in Park Slope says she has been up and down that stairwell hundreds of times over many years and has never seen anything like it. If you have ever really watched the sun or moon closely, you know how quickly conditions like this change. I think there was a tiny window of opportunity at this stairwell and I was there. But the larger point here is that the opportunity to find beauty and joy is ever present. If you have ever spent time around an eternal optimist, then you have witnessed this first hand. Many individuals indulge in the dark side and equate this with being real. They see people who are very positive as fluffy. But I think they do secretly wish they had the ability to live an easier and happier life. There is a great scene in Woody Allen's Annie Hall where Alvy (played by Woody) runs across a beautiful, happy looking couple on the street: Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you? Female street stranger: Yeah. Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it? Female street stranger: Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say. Male street stranger: And I'm exactly the same way. Alvy Singer: I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something? At the end of the day, being a cynical, skeptical, overly serious individual can be wearing. There are a lot of whiners in the world and New York City has plenty of them. Life here is very hard and stressful and it is a very easy place to get into the trap being negative and thinking that things would be better somewhere else or with different means or circumstances. Most of us have all the preconditions for happiness here and now. A sense of humor helps. At the risk of being preachy or newagey, I would suggest looking for that ray of light. Happiness is more a choice than a condition ...
And for me? After 29 years...I finally found my true happiness in eating crawfish muahaha
 Taken 2 weeks ago when I went to Houston to visit my best friend dkny
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