SushiMonkee's Xanga

RAY OF LIGHT

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 20:21:56 GMT

This lengthy winded post is for several friends who are in a not so great relationship, who soon will be married to someone they don't love, who I couldn't help because how can one help someone if that person didn't want to help her/himself? I write you this for one and one purpose only: There's happiness, but you gotta go after it yourself.

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Almost every single friend of mine one time or another commented on how LUCKY I am with guys.....not only because of duckee, or midget, but even guys I casually dated are always supposed to be on the nice side.

THAT probably was the most ridiculous/could-not-be-anymore-wrong comment I’ve ever heard my entire life.

Sure I’m lucky enough to have met duckee who is awesome in every single way, but please trust me when I say I also have enough of my share of ASSHOLES as much as the next girl, if not more.

Honestly I really hate to draw conclusion, or ideas from solely the ONE WAY STREET that is my own experiences, and put them upon other people. Everyone is different, everyone is each of his/her own. What’s right for me, might not be the right thing for you...But now, today, I’m going to talk about what I’ve gone through mostly for my friends who are in need of some honest opinions...and if anyone out there in the same situation, please read, imagine I’m your friend, and maybe, just maybe it can help you a little.

The reason it seems like I’ve only met nice guys, may have something to do with the fact that I DON’T LET ANYONE being an asshole to me. Sounds ridiculous? Sure, I DON’T LET THEM! but HOW? The truth is anyone could treat you as badly how much you ALLOW them to. I know you may say it’s a lot easier to say then actually do it, rightly so...because I’ve been there....and I know how hard it was.

Because my first serious bf was probably the ugliest, the worst human being I’ve ever known...There’s no point to get into details but it was the most abusive relationship I’ve ever encountered...physically & mentally...I was unhappy for more than 5 years...so unhappy that I was self-harm, self-destructive, and literally slowly, painfully destroying myself without anybody knowing...but him.

I was lucky, very lucky to come out of that relationship alive.....and with lots of money spent on therapies.

It was a dead end relationship, yet ever so hopeful, and mostly with great stupidity...I had hoped by some miracle it would get better. How? I didn’t know...most of the 7 years relationship we had contented his jealousy, anger, and selfishness tower me. I was told I would not be able to “make it” by myself if he had left me...I was told a lot of things, I believed all of them...like most girls with their first love that started when they were 16...

I believed that I would be NOTHING without him, I was trapped in that abusive relationship for so long....that I felt numbed...so numbed that I didn’t feel anything anymore, no joy, no pain, no happiness, no anger, just...empty.......so numbed that most of the time I hid in the bathroom at home, at his place, crying, and cutting myself to the point there was no space left to cut without showing it.... The more I bled, the deeper I cut, the harder I dig into old wounds the more I felt alive, and the more physical pain I had the less numbed I felt, or the less heartaches I recognized.

For the longest time I was suicidal....and tried many foolish things.

Then one day...after the longest time... I looked into the mirror and didn’t recognize myself anymore, realized this was not how I wanted to live the rest of my life...feeling, BEING so unhappy...I left.

It was not easy, it took almost a year to finally leave him. Once he realized he had no control over me he had done almost everything to stop me...from begging, to threatening (my favorite threat was... if he caught me with whoever that go so far as touching me, he would killed both of us) to stalking, school, work, went by my house and sat outside till 3am to see who dropped me off when I went out, hacked into my email account for 6 months....that ironically when he got so pissed off at an email I got from an admirer who I didn’t even like he “confronted” me with this unimaginable rage...After seeing that I was so horrified, so shocked, and never felt that my privacy being more violated in my life....instead of apologizing (which he never did till this day) he told me that "I" should THANK him, and appreciate how “honest” he was...he could have gone on reading my email for years but didn’t, and because of what an up standing citizen he was, he “chose” to tell me the “truth” (the fact that he couldn't control himself and went all psycho on me because of the other guy has NOTHING to do with it...right.)

THAT my friends, was just 1% of all the doses he gave me during that god awful relationship.

However, at the end, I was as much to blame as him because I didn’t leave him earlier. I stayed, I TOOK IT, I LET HIM! He was the biggest asshole I’ve ever known but I let him treated me that way. If the first time it happened you didn’t do anything about it, it's YOUR message to the guy that IT WAS OK to treat you that way, even though it wasn’t.

I have learned that the hard way. I have paid for it...A LOT....STILL......There are parts of me that damaged, that was scarred so badly that could never completely heal, or take back. Until this day I still look over my shoulder whenever I go back to visit DC, until this day my heart skipped every time I see a car that looked remotely like his (even though I’m sure he no longer drives it)...until this day I have nightmares with him being back in my life (though since I met duckee it has reduced significantly...awww duckee) and most of those times, everything seemed so real still with all that feelings bottled up inside me...that I often woken up trembling with fear. Poor midget, I think he had the worst of it, most night he had to hold my head while I slept... or spent comforting me every time I woke up all shaken. Good old midget, I never told him why... except someone was chasing me...He held me "monkee, whoever was chasing you just remember that I am always behind chasing, and kicking their ass" :) My problem with nightmare was so dominant to him, that the very first gift he got me was a dream catcher :)

It took me YEARS to have enough courage to pick myself up and left. I’m not going to lie that parts of me I am very proud of myself for being able to do all that...to leave, to get professional helps, to want that much of happiness in my life that I mustered up whatever I have left in me to pick up my pieces... BY MYSELF!!!

I did it all without anyone help, no friends, no family, no counselors...just me. My friends were all back in VN, I had few people I knew in the states...none were closed enough to open my wounds to...plus it was too horrible to tell my best friends back in VN, they were not here...what could they do? Not until much later after I know I couldn’t do it alone I maxed out my credit cards going to therapies.

And yet a HUGE part of me wish that if only, if ONLY I had a friend closed by, a friend that suspected what went on to help me...NOT just to lend an ear, but to beat me out of my self-pitied miserable self, beat some senses in me to realized how stupid I’ve been, to realized the reason I stuck around with him WAS NOT LOVE, but being a COWARD.

Most people may argue that they were in love, therefore blinded with all the horrible things that went on in their relationship...I call that BS! That was not love, that was denial, that was insecurity, that was fear...fear of being alone, fear of finding out the truth, fear of having to take action to leave, fear of having to start all over again. That wasn’t being blinded but PRETENDED to be! Why? Because it’s A LOT EASIER to pretend you don’t know, to just take it in, to tell yourself that one day things will get better....All of that is a lot easier than to face the truth head on, easier than telling yourself that being abused in a relationship IS NOT OK.

At the end, as wounded as I am now, I’m still glad that I went through all of it. I’ve learned to love myself, to appreciate myself more than I ever could. As shitty as that relationship was I got to know, to understand so much more about myself, about who I was, who I am, who I can strive to be....in turn I also learned to see true human nature behind all their masks, all their facades that covering up people for who they truly are.

Anyone who has ever known me can see how much I love life, how much I appreciate and enjoy every single little things life has to offer...every breath I take, every single ray of sunshine, every kiss, every hug, every single moment I get to spend with my friends, my family, or be able to work, and work hard...

I understand that people with their own problems, their own insecurities (I also truly believe insecurity is one of the ugliest human trace, every horrible thing that human beings do to each other, if you look closely...caused by his/her own insecurity)... they project their own unhappiness, their own negativity on other people, and take great joy in that because they hate who they are underneath...people like my ex...

But thanks to him, I have never EVER let anyone else treat me that way again, not even remotely close to what he did. I have met a lot more guys with a huge ego like his, with nothing inside, so empty, so ugly, so insecure that they tried their best to cover it up with all these snazzy little tricks...designer clothes, fancy cars, lots of big talk, all carrying a chip on their shoulder... but with a big empty space inside.

My friends always surprised how there was a period of my life before duckee, I've dated quite an amount of guys...for a very short time...as long as 2 months, as short as 1 date. Even though, they all treated me like a queen...and no, this is NOT an ego stroke, because it has NOTHING to do with me, I could be any girl!...It's all because that's what most dickheads think women love. Sure the attentions are nice, but a fake personality, an insincere compliment/gift, a horny moron....are all very easy to spot. Sometimes, I was quick on my feet I saw it right away, at times it took a few months...but as soon as I saw the sight I saved myself, and his time to break it off. I REFUSE to stick around to find out what he could have, might have done to me... I REFUSE to wait around and hope that he will change like I once did..... Dude, number one lesson in life...ASSHOLE NEVER CHANGE!

So....

...Friend, I know, I understand that it's really hard now...but Nobody is going to love you as much as you love yourself, and I do mean NO ONE, not even your parents. You can't keep sticking around for bad apples, and I'm saying this for both of you. You will do the person you care for a favor too, to save each other heartaches from a bad relationship.

Someone once told me their relationship is not THAT bad, because they do have extremely good times too, only when it's bad it's extremely bad. One day those extremely good times are not going to be enough to save the extremely bad times. Sure there are the ups and downs, the bad and good in a relationship but none should be bad enough to make you feel so miserable, so unhappy to the point you hate yourself.

You can’t set out to save anybody, as much as you care for that person, and nobody can set out to save you!

Happiness is what you make for yourself, so as most of unhappiness in the world. At the end, YOU, you are the sources of it all....It is as you make it, no one, and I do mean NO ONE – not your friends, not your family, not your significant other will be able to hand that to you on a silver platter. You gotta want it so bad that it gets to the core of every single bone you have in your body to go after if YOURSELF...even if that means you have to leave whoever, whatever you think you can't live without. Just don't settle for less, because "The moment you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."

No matter how you think you can't live without that person, you will be able to. Life is funny that way. The most unhealthy, the most disturbing thing is to think that just because you’re not with someone, doesn’t mean that you can’t be whole. You gotta be your own best friend! You gotta be able to find joy in life on your own, being with someone might heighten the whole experiences but it doesn't mean whatever you have will not be fulfilled with just you. Another person doesn't make up for whatever you think is missing in your life. YOUR life, YOUR happiness will still has its own meaning and purpose with just YOU.

Coincidentally, I just turned 29 yesterday...while writing this I just realized that for years I don't ever really talk about this to anyone but duckee and another friend. It's not because it's something that I'm ashamed of....quite the opposite. This is.... by far.... one of the things I'm most proud of, right up there with gotten my designs picked hah! Because it's made up of who I am today, it's a triumphant story...that I did it, friends I DID IT! I MADE IT OUT ALIVE & KICKING.

I wouldn't say I've been through a lot, but I've had my shares of tough times, enough to appreciate everything I have now.....and know enough pain to value my own happiness, however small it is, and to NEVER let my life get that low again, for ANYONE. I've been to the darkest place of my life, but I got myself out of the mess alive, and look where I am now hah.... Am probably not the smartest gal on the block, but boy did I get so much smarter, and stronger than I ever was before.

I don't talk about it because there really isn't anything to talk about. It's not like something I could talk over wine & cheese with my friends....unless if you need help, need to hear an encouragement, need a nudge in the butt to get off your ass and do something about your problems...then this story might be just the right encouragement for you.

So friends, no matter how hard it seems now, no matter how impossible it feels that you could ever find happiness....I promise you, one day, it WILL get better :)

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One of my favorites website of all time the New York Daily Photo by Brian Debé (New York City - a place of diversity. Visit a daily photo blog of the timely, the timeless, the classic, the unexpected and the hidden gems by a long time resident who shares his love of New York.)

Brian posted this wonderful post a few years back that really touched my heart, I hope it'll do the same to you.

RAY OF LIGHT

I just tore my camera out on this one - it was like a religious experience. A friend who lives in Park Slope says she has been up and down that stairwell hundreds of times over many years and has never seen anything like it. If you have ever really watched the sun or moon closely, you know how quickly conditions like this change. I think there was a tiny window of opportunity at this stairwell and I was there.

But the larger point here is that the opportunity to find beauty and joy is ever present. If you have ever spent time around an eternal optimist, then you have witnessed this first hand. Many individuals indulge in the dark side and equate this with being real. They see people who are very positive as fluffy. But I think they do secretly wish they had the ability to live an easier and happier life. There is a great scene in Woody Allen's Annie Hall where Alvy (played by Woody) runs across a beautiful, happy looking couple on the street:

Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?
Female street stranger: Yeah.
Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?
Female street stranger: Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
Male street stranger: And I'm exactly the same way.
Alvy Singer: I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something?

At the end of the day, being a cynical, skeptical, overly serious individual can be wearing. There are a lot of whiners in the world and New York City has plenty of them. Life here is very hard and stressful and it is a very easy place to get into the trap being negative and thinking that things would be better somewhere else or with different means or circumstances. Most of us have all the preconditions for happiness here and now. A sense of humor helps. At the risk of being preachy or newagey, I would suggest looking for that ray of light. Happiness is more a choice than a condition ...

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And for me? After 29 years...I finally found my true happiness in eating crawfish muahaha

Taken 2 weeks ago when I went to Houston to visit my best friend dkny

For a dear dear friend

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 05:08:21 GMT

Manhattan in the rain....I took this when I was on the bus on the way home with my phone

I'm very lucky, I have many many good friends, some I know for my whole life, some only in the recent years...but all are good people, whom I love dearly... and I hope they feel the same way about me. Heh even though, most of the time I understand it’s not easy since I tend to say what I think, and what I think tend to be the most inappropriate things...I say the truth though, but still inappropriate all the same. But duckee often tells me “your friends adore you.” I don’t take that to heart 'cuz we all know how nice he always is, but I still hope it’s true, and live up to it.

Yet, deep down some way, some where I’m still missing a friend, a good friend. I probably haven’t seen him since I was 17...that’s 12 years ago! and my heart still aches every time I thought of him. I miss him, I miss our friendship so much that sometimes it’s unbearable.

We were in the same class in high school; and it was a great fortune that we were seated next to each other...We couldn't be anymore opposite, he was one of the smartest kid in class, I was NOT, he was a baaad baaad boy in many ways, I was a retard about everything, he’s always out and about, I was always home, overly protected, overly sheltered by my parents. Sometimes, I think that’s what draw us to each other. Our differences are what made us getting along so well. Before we know it, before the world know it we became inseparable, everywhere we go we were attached by the hips.

Most people thought we were dating but we didn’t care to correct them. He had a gf, I was dating someone else. Most of the time, it just felt natural that we should be together, come & leave together, sit next to each other wherever we go. We talked about everything, we told each other everything. I think he was the first person to explain to me what sex was really all about, and he usually joked that I was the only virgin left that he knew...hah.

He called me his Short Hippo heh, I called him (coincidentally) my Duck. I still have cards, and notes he gave me with his crooked handwriting, with every single one of them ends with ...."Tri Ky" - Soul mate...for years, time and again we talked how we would be friends forever.

Then our world was up side down when one day his parents all of the sudden picked up everything, took him out of school, and moved. I never even had a chance to say goodbye. Later I found out he was the reason why his parents willing to give up everything. There was drug, gang, lots of bad stuff involved. I sort of knew but my head at the time couldn't really wrap around it, couldn't really understand how bad things were.

He used to show me how to roll a perfect tube (??? I don’t even know what it’s called) with a piece of money, to do lines with it.....And yet I didn’t know, YES I was THAT stupid. Most of the time he sealed me away from all of it. I thought my parents were overprotected about everything, but in fact he was even worse, because he was supposed to be my friends.

I then realized that’s why we got along so well, I was supposed to be something good, genuine, and innocent to the point naive, and he wasn't...yet I could see a lot of goodness in him, we had fun together. Most of the time he just enjoyed my silly self, and I was too ignorant to know that he was deep into a complete different other world, a world he always tried to protect me from.

I remember how he tried NOT to introduce me to his friends outside of school, how he sometimes wandering the street on his motorcycle at a time that no kids should EVER be allowed to leave home. Then I realized he was never a kid, I was! In our relationship he had always been an adult, always tried to take care of me, always be there to wipe my tears, or tell me everything is going to be ok. Even with very very little things....like....There were many times I was late for extra courses, after school programs and supposed to get hit with bamboo stick (yeah they do this in VN) but he always got up and took them for me in front of the class....And then, when something actually happened to him, I wasn’t there.

I frantically looked for him everywhere...I asked his friends, people who knew him, or where his family could have gone. I didn’t even have a moped, I rode bicycle. So I bribed another friend to drive me around to knock on people’s door to look for him. One time, I came so close, I went to his aunt's town (right outside of Saigon) and his family was actually there. But because I didn’t know the address, I had to go to every single streets, knocked on every single doors....but all was in vain.

I cried a lot, I thought I had lost him forever.

Then a year later he contacted me

He had switched school, house, town, he promised me he's been cleaned for quite some times, but for some reason he still wouldn't tell me where he lived, his phone number, or even what his new school was. But I didn't care, he came back, he found me, we could be friends again. Then there was so many things I wanted to tell him...how I just started to date someone new, someone much older than us, how I had my first kiss, and even though it was kinda like he described it :) it wasn't like anything I had imagined at all, but most of all I wanted to tell him how glad I was that all would be well again.

But all wasn't well.

Soon he told me how much he had thought about us, how much he missed me all that time, and the shocker: how much he loved me and wanted us to be together. I'm sure at this point just like everybody else in our life at the time, you would smack the table "of course, of course he was in love with you" apparently everyone knew this was coming, EVERYONE BUT ME.

I remember how I almost drop my drink, how shaky my hands were when I told him "No, no, no..." Not only I denied him completely, I was angry at him, angry for screwing everything up, for taking our friendship for granted.But he wasn't mad at me, he was so patient. Weeks after that he kept trying to convince me many many times.... He kept reassuring me that he had changed a lot, all the bad stuff had gone, that I was the person that made him tried to change, tried to be better. He thought the reason I didn't want to be with him was because I didn't believe he could change, or actually quit all the bad stuff, but that was NOT the reason at all.

I just didn't love him, not like that, even the idea of kissing him was so revolting that I squirmed and wanted to throw up...only because it would be like kissing my own brother. I didn't know how to explain all that without hurting him...I ended up hurting him...A LOT....

We met a few times after that, and I always put an ocean of people between us. We never really said anything to each other...sometimes, I caught him looking at me from a distance, and remembering that look now breaks my heart all over again.

That was the last time I saw him.... Before I immigrant with my family to the States, I tried to relocate him for one more time, just so I can say goodbye....Only when I know I might never see him again I realized what a fool I've been for pushing him away, realized how much I missed him, and loved him as a friends. Last I heard of him then was that he got into one of the most famous Universities in the country, and will become a Physic professor...That put a smile on my face, I always knew he was a smarty then, and all he ever known about me was that I could do doodling, lots of doodling :) I was also so proud of him, he didn't give up, he could have and then blame everything on me...Nah, he was smarter than that, he turned his life around and tried to become someone much better with a bright future.

I know now, I wish I could have handled everything better, but how could I? I was literally a kid back then. I had never loved anyone, really didn't know what loving someone really mean, and no one had ever expressed their love and affection to me that passionately, (almost violently) like he did before. It was a lot to swallow, a lot to really digest. For me it was a lot easier to be angry at him then to be sad, or to feel lost.

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One time we got into an accident, we got into a crash and his huge ass Rebel motorcycle fell with me underneath (yes, his dumb ass, who got us in an accident in the first place quickly jumped out) my whole ankle was burnt by the exhaustion, and worse when he pulled the motorcycle up the exhaustion stripped my skin with it...Ouch!!! He apologized profusely, felt very guilty about it, took care of my wound, cleaned & bandaged it before taking me home ...and yet I caught a glimpse of him being a little too please with himself when he thought I wasn't looking...Later he confessed that he stupidly thought that...from then on, I would never be able to forget him whenever I look at my scar....WTF!!! I think I punched him in the face after.

Yet now, when my scar is completely gone; you can’t even tell that here once had a huge scar...Still sometimes when I find myself running my fingers through the scar that no longer there, I thought of him.

The older I get, the more I grow up, the more I think of him....I often wonder where he is, how his life has been, wonder if he's married, with a bunch of cute kids...or not

I'm not sure we could ever be friends like before even when things hadn't happened like they did...probably not, people change. I'm not the same person when I was in my 14-17. What once was innocent in me had lost forever, for the better I hope, but I think what held us together back then wouldn't be able to hold us now...But who knows, maybe we would be able to grow with each other, would be there to witness how the other person hopefully grow into a better person.

I did try to find him many times in the pass years, but then I finally gave up...let it go...and move on...

Nowadays, I only find myself thinking of him when I'm completely alone...in my own space, my own being that I think about us....Perhaps, because whatever we had then was more than just him, but myself too....He was like a bright light that really show me a rare glimpse of myself, of what was once pure and innocent that I actually (surprisingly :)).... had in me....For that I thank him, miss him, and cherish all the memories we've ever had.

I remember how really really late at in the middle of the night he would peeped me on my pager to call him (instead of calling my house) just to ask me what I wanted to eat....anywhere in the city then he'd go get it for me...There was this delicious sweet sticky rice in Chinatown....or fried chicken in front of the Notre Dame church downtown Saigon...He went to get them for me, and brought to my house. Then I snuck out, and ate it at the gate while he was just hanging out with me on his motorcycle....I can't really remember what we talked about, only this warm wonderful feeling left, but who cares....because this is one of the best memories I've ever had of him...

“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.” David Tyson Gentry

Image and quote from Siggito

At the end, I'm sure I was as heart broken about it as much as he was.

Not for the money

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 00:57:44 GMT

Dudee, I just looked at my Calendar and it’s fucking July...JULY, YOU GUYS!!! WTF where did half of the year go??? Gawwd I have become a houseplant in term of laziness.....I mean look at this place!!! I haven’t even updated anything that worth a real shit & giggle for awhile....Why? How could this be? Well mostly because I don’t give a rat ass

Heh, last few weeks I read THIS ARTICLE about how Disney is coming out with its first major black heroine later this year in "The Frog and the Princess," but to the dismay of Disney executives (hah), the film got so much hate from everyone and anyone...

Well, first of....I think I have 1 tip for the Disney executives.... surprise surprise..."people will never ever be happy...NEVER" they could always nit pick ANYTHING, so if you think people will give you less shiet because you create your first black princess 'cuz you actually care what the public think (the public is stupid anyway, GAH I hate the public)...then, you’re dead wrong.

Second, I have very strong opinions about the whole thing, very very strong....but I’m sure you don’t care to know, and I don’t care if you don’t care...heh so I’m not going to spend much time writing about it.

It’s hard for me to really relate to this whole situation because I have a very bias opinion. First, cuz we sort of work for Disney (my company is a licensed product-design company for them) and we’ve been preparing on lots of new designs for this new heroine (I personally think she’s adorable)

Not only is she the first black princess, she's the first American princess. We've never had an American princess!!!

Third, I love love love Disney works. I might not be a fan of their TV shows, movies (or don't know much about to even know where to begin) but their cartoons? 3D animations??? Man, I heartlessly love them...How could you not? I don't care what people say how Disney becomes all business and shiet, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! There, I said it, how could you hate something that always ALWAYS reminds you of your childhood, of one of the sweetest memories you ever had?

I grew up watching The Littler Mermaid, mostly because that was the only video tape we had heh but dudeee I could barely speak English, yet I could totally belt out "Under The Sea" with Sebastian any given time. (Also that's another reason I named my little stuffed duck...SEBAS hehe shorten from SEBASTIAN )

And then there are Lion King, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella (OMG remember Gus Gus, the FAT mice??? .."Uhh uhh Gus Gus...")

AND THUMPER....dude THUMPEEERRRRR!!!

Also TWITTERPATED!!! I swear Twitterpated is like THE BEST SEX ED I'VE EVER HAD as a kid

And you know what else I just realized??? Without Disney there would be NO BAMBI and FÉLINE....*GASP* Fuck that shiet, if you mess with Disney, you mess with the Lo's Sisters!!! Fast forward to 2:00 mark to see how Bambi meet Féline again (or Faline in the English version) after they're all grown up.

And don't even let me BEGIN on Pixar works....Hellooooo Monster Inc, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, RATATOUILLE, and OMG OMG... UP!!! (If you haven't seen UP, please DO IT!!!) Ugh how can I even explain how wrong this is???

Hmm but then I can give you the last part of the article that says a whole lot (and a lot less angry) that I ever could:

“Perhaps the final word — for now — should come from somebody who is African-American and a former Disney animator.

“Overly sensitive people see racial or ethnic slights in every image,” wrote Floyd Norman, whose credits span from “Sleeping Beauty” to “Mulan,” in a 2007 essay on the Web site Jim Hill Media. “And in their zeal to sanitize and pasteurize everything, they’ve taken all the fun out of cartoon making.”

I mean it’s a lot easier to passionately HATE something, than passionately LOVE something...just like it’s much easier to destroy something than to build it. And most people enjoy hating, bringing down and destroying other people’s spirit, perhaps because they have none of their own? Methinks we live in a damn sad sad world

Personally, I think most of us artists are all in the same way...you gotta design for design’s sake, NOT for money, fame, deadline or anything else. If you don’t find joy in designing, creating...it will DEFINITELY shows in your designs. It’s that simple, please trust me on this one. Of course it’s not a good thing, it’s a horrible thing...I always admire people who can do anything on a fly in any situation. I don’t need to live in a perfect condition to work, but I do need to feel inspired by the project. There’s nothing I hate more than people giving me projects that they have absolutely zero interests in it. It’s ok if you don’t have a vision (because that my job) but it’s not ok to NOT care for your own project. If you don’t, I can't; it’s actually THAT simple.

My friends always asked me why I don't turn my blog into a food blog, make it into a professional website and actually make money off it. I mean I can actually design a good website for myself, I cook weirdass/fancy food, I try crazy things, I eat out all the time too, I even write my own recipes, and take pictures of EVERYTHING. I mean, all I need to do...REALLY is to add ads on my new website, right?....So what's stopping me???

Money!!! That's what! I just can't do these things for money. It’s for fun, for shit and giggles. If you put a price tag on it, for me, it will all go down hills from there. I can’t make ANYTHING for money. Not even at my job, I cannot think about how much money my designs will worth, how much the company will make off that order and be able to work...Everyday, I literally actually have to sit down and.....DREAM, daydream, think of something else, think that I create this for MYSELF, for my dream, for my vision only...everything else will have to come after. Lucky that what I envision, has been good for the clients so far.

I used to open a store on Etsy, and I couldn’t sell a thing, NOT even ONE, so I shut it off. All because I couldn’t be parted from my paintings/drawings/photographs....I just can’t. I can give it away FOR FREE, for people I love, because then it actually means something, and the person who receives it on the other end will hopefully care for it as much as I do.

The first drawing I did that got in the Verizon gallery in DC actually got offers from people that would like to purchase it. Even though I put underneath the drawing NFS (Not For Sale.) These were good offers, enough money to make the poor broke student in me squealed with joy and should sell it in a heartbeat. I didn’t, now it’s hanging in my parent’s basement (soon to be sent to dkny-my best friend) just as I always thought it should. This kinda thing just works itself out at the end, isn't it?

I used to write movie reviews in Vietnamese too, and boy did that screw me up. I could be a very good movie reviewer, except once I became one I could not for the life of me ever enjoy any movies again in that period. All I could see when I sat down to watch the movie were flaws!!! Or technical aspects of it, how the camera worked, how the actors ...well acted, how the music, costumes, cinematography all worked together. After 2 years, I quit, and it took me another year to recover, and actually be able to go back to just enjoy a movie, and care about absolutely nothing else.

So there, the reason why I don't write much is just because I don't have time & I'm just plain lazy if I don't feel like it, I'm just not going to do it, that's all. I've been cooking a lot as usual but I don't feel like posting up the recipes, just because it is what it is...I cook to feed myself & people I love first not for some damn website and people I don't give 2 shits about.

Anyway, the article about Disney latest work just made me sort of sad, sort of see what I've always known....

What else that makes the whole thing even more sad is that this is possibly the LAST hand drawn animation Disney will ever made. Mostly because it has become like a lost art...hand drawn cartoon so I suggest you grab your kids, your friends, your SO to go see it in Dec...before it's too late

The Princess & The Frog [Trailer] from HateFreeTV on Vimeo.

Twitching all over the places on Twitter :P

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 13:14:31 GMT

Enraged...

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:43:55 GMT

You know what ruffled my feathers??? GUILT TRIP!!!

I mean I know, I know……everyone and their mothers are doing it. Your mom does it, my mom does it, all parents do…that’s like their specialty. To make your kids do anything, you gotta play the guilt trip card. I get it, I really do…therefore, parents are about the only people I’ll give free pass for playing that card…the rest of the world can fucking suck my d…

You know what pissed me off the most??? Only the people that you care for, that are close to you get to play the guilt trip game… I mean you fuckers won’t even be able to try that on anyone else but people that love you. You see my point?? You feel me? How fucked up is THAT???

And you know who has never ruffled my feathers??? DUCKEE!!!

Dude, this guy is like my hero. Of all the people that totally can use Guilt Trip on me and make it work, this guy could totally do it, and legit too. Let’s see…I love him the most, we live together, he works 10 times as hard, and I’m being a jerk to him ALL THE TIME.

But no, never, not even once did he use his busy schedule to make me feel guilty when I ask him to do anything for me.

Not even once, did he make me feel bad because he works a lot harder than me, pay for a lot more stuff than me, or make me feel like he deserves to come home have his dinner ready and not lift a finger…NO, he appreciates every single little thing I do for him, even though it’s almost my “duty” to do everything because he works 100+ hours/week. Yet, he has never made me feel so.

After 2 years he still thank me like 5 times a day…for doing laundry, for cooking dinner, for cleaning the apt, for washing dishes, for loving him, for taking care of him…

He even got me flowers last week :)

Not even once, did he make me feel guilty for going out, having fun almost 90% out of the time while he slaves away at work…

NOT EVEN ONCE, you see that? That’s what people do when they love and care for someone. In fact, he does the opposite; he encourages me to do things, to have fun, to enjoy life with/without him.

The more I live, the more I love the people around me, the more I care, then the more I notice how much they enjoy making you feel guilty even though they don’t give a fuck in the first place.

You know what? I think I fucking am DONE!!! NO MORE!!! I’m not going to do anything, not even ONE damn thing the next time my friends play that fucked up game on me.

The next time you give me shit because I didn’t call you when I’m in town, just because your ass ALWAYS say no and give me BS reason not to, every time I do call.

The next time you forget we make plans, even though we do like weeks before that, and then you blame me for not REMINDING you….ugh should I also remind you that we’re fucking adults and when we make plan/promise…WE FUCKING KEEP IT ASSHOLE.

The next time you feel like I don’t invite you to shit anymore, maybe you should take a look at yourself to see why.

The next time you complain I don’t have time to do FREE design works for you, because I’m “too busy being a party girl”

I will tell you to go fuck yourself!!!

Thank you and good day!!!

I wish you love

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 05:05:25 GMT

They talked about "The way we were" movie on TV right now. I love that movie, what a wonderful love story that is....so real, so simple, so close to your heart, and yet so far from this hurried world.

I notice everyone talks about their lost love, or loves, lately. Just the other day in a drunken mist Mr#4 told me how much he missed his girl. Someone he loved, no, loves and he let her go. She's now engaged, it is now too late, and he's heart broken...well sort of. I wouldn't know...I wasn't sober, but just the shock of him found confident in me to tell me alone is great enough to yank me out of my drunkery...Maybe because we used to date, maybe it was the alcohol talking, who knows.

Everyone comments that everybody has his or her own Hubble or Katie. At some point in your life you will have that love, or dear relationship that you have to let go, because it didn't work, because you caused each other so much pain, because loving one another is not enough to make a relationship work. You think it's true? Cuz I don't....well I do to a certain point then I don't.

It's maybe because I don't have lost love, or maybe because I don't/won't regret anything that I did, do or will in a relationship. Everything that I do in a relationship, every single one of them was for one and one purpose only....to make the person I love happy.

No not happy in the sense that I'd change him, or even worse change myself for him. But in a sense that...I need to make sure the person I love is happy...in the highest, deepest, and the fullest way... even when that means he might not be mine, or at the end I will not be THE person that makes him happy. I'm ok with that, too....If you call making the person you love happy is a "lost" love, I really don't know what that "lost" mean....because to me it's the most fulfill way to love someone

....so there, no regret, no lost love, just love, just bidding each other farewell and wish one another the best.

And to see people once were lovers to hate each other so much, to wish nothing but ill wills....I really don't get it, WHY??? You must not love the other person from the first place then, and I mean it in the kindest way....

Because trust me...when you truly love/loved someone you wouldn't, couldn't in a million years bring yourself to wish anything bad upon them. I only have 3 great relationships...1 guy out 3 is a real asshole and yet for the 7 years we were together...I have never ever curse at him, call him names, or insult him in any other way ..IMAGINE THAT!!! and boy, you people know I love to curse and have no problem throwing a few Fuck You here and there, I mean I have no problem to fucking kill people when it gets to that point, AND I know exactly where to hit to make it hurts too, I could almost make any person cry if I wanted to...and that's a promise ....And yet, still couldn't bring myself to say a single insulting word in the middle of a fight, even when he had no problem doing that to me... I usually would just leave to save myself from saying/doing anything I would regret later.

If THAT was not true love, I don't know what was.

Heh seriously....otherwise try to insult me, try to call me names and see whether or not I will beat the living shit out of you

......................................

I Wish You Love - Lisa Ono

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

And in July some lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
And most of all
When snowflakes fall
I wish you love

And most of all
When snowflakes fall
I wish you love

EARTH HOUR!!!!

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 21:08:58 GMT

EARTH HOUR
IS TONIGHT!!!
DO IT!!!

THIS SATURDAY 28 MARCH AT 8.30PM YOU CAN VOTE EARTH BY SWITCHING OFF YOUR LIGHTS FOR ONE HOUR

For you and your mothers, and definitely for your children too.

"Treat the Earth well: it was not given to you by your parents.
It was loaned to you by your children."
Indian Ancient Proverb

Earth Hour in Saigon

Image from VNexpress

Yeash it's like that

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 06:40:22 GMT

I miss duckee...I haven't seen him for a very ...very long time (so it seems)

Lots of things have been happening in my head...that is hard to explain....

I would NEVER EVER date someone that think the same thing as I do, that do the same thing as I do...What is the point??? That person for sure will bore me to dead with agreeing with me all the fucking time. And artists are the type that almost always have a big ego. That's how you get your work done, if you don't have it, you will never either finish the job, or become successful. Imagine put 2 egos together...yeash, it's like that.

Yet I'm still drawn into them, absolutely fascinated, memorized, and being completely, absolutely in love with their works...I wish there is a better way for me to explain this.... *sigh* somehow, it feels wrong, it feels like I'm taking a short cut, to be in love with something that I shouldn't, to admire someone so far away that I always, ALWAYS wish I could touch, could smell, could feel what it is like to be THAT close, to be THAT personal....

The funny part is it always feels so natural for me to feel that way.

Rambling on...

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:48:19 GMT

How? really? do one say goodbye?

It's hard to talk about work, mostly I don't...

Part because it's something private, it's involved people, and work.....Sometimes, I think it's unprofessional to rant about work online, for me at least ...(well, because heh I still love to read what people say about their work)....Other part is because most of the time I don't like to explain myself to justify my work or what I do...Especially my job...it is absolutely.... entirely objective, it's a hit and miss game in the design world (especially products design like mine.) You don't really know for sure how it's going to be until your design hits the market.... till then it's all a fair game.

Then parts of me love to tell my friends, family, people who are close to me about what I do because there's stuff that I did, that made me proud of.....like "OMG I did it, I made it...Yeyyyy..." But I only do that so well with emails, with being behind the screen then type my "Yeyyy"s and my "Thank you"s... Because parts of me get absolutely horribly uncomfortable with praises, or even a simple congrats.... to the point I don't know how to react or what to say that I often come off as a snob or someone who is so proud that she can barely jump to joy on her own accomplishments...

I might act so cool, so matter of fact when someone pays me compliments, or when my accomplishment was placed in front of me, I might looked like I merely say thank you....All of that, just because I'm extremely uncomfortable, I don't know what to do with it, with compliments, with my own achievements in front of others....ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. I just want to dig a hole, get down there, jump around and scream on top of my lung with joy....ALONE...I just can't do it in front of people, especially people I work with.

It's not just a matter of being humble...trust me there's part of me that I want to be an ass, to be confident to trust myself in front of other. But that sense of pride I can only find in my own solitude, when I'm completely alone, come face to face with it in my own little bubble....Only then I feel safe enough to feel proud, too look and breath a sigh of relief..."Here she is, my own creation, she looks swell, and I did good"

I remember this one time in my sculpture class, at the end of the semester you were supposed to turn in your sketch book with sketches for you works, ideas.... also what you think about your works throughout the semester, your improvements, and what grade you think you would get out of the class and why...

My professor Morgan Kennedy (who is an amazing installation artist btw) read my note ALOUD (OH EM GEE) in front of the class, because he was so shocked of how "humble" I was in the note I gave him....The note kinda went on like this....like "I really did try my best, I hope I did well, I hope I could get B+ or A- I really didn't think I could do any better...this is it, this is me, my work, and everything I could offer...." And he told me right then and there in front of the whole class that I was one of the the best students he had ever had if not the best.....since he started teaching, not because I did the best, most amazing job. But because I was THERE, I was PRESENT. Because I really love my works, I really did put all my heart and soul in it. I didn't do it simply because I wanted good grades, I did it because it's mine. I had cared for my works more than anyone else he had ever taught, even his colleagues...long had he seen someone struggle so much with his/her own thoughts, and ideas not just to create good works, but because every single one of them means something dear to me...And to him it's encouraging, it "warms" his heart (like he put it) when once in a blue moon he is "lucky enough" to come across an artist like me....

Well, how do you cope with that? How do you react to THAT in front of the whole class. Instead of joy, or feel any sense of pride....I literally wanted to die, I wanted to become smoke and disappear, I literally just stood there dumbfound and wanted to...cry because I hated to put my work out there. This is what it feels like to me....it's like your G-string however sexy it is, you don't want people to pick it up, show it to the world and compliment how sexy it is...it's private, it's still fucking underwear, it's part of you, and you want to keep it that way.

This is why I become an animator/designer...because I can't handle the direct spotlights...Everything I do, I gotta be in the background . I can't be a true artists, you know the ones that are brave enough to put their works in the gallery, put it out there for the whole world to see, to know. Don't get me wrong, criticism I can take. I love to have my works criticized...it's the good stuff, the compliments that make me extremely uncomfortable.

Someone once asked me why can't I just accept it, take it in, be agreeable...like "Yep, it's great! I know" and then move on...Like face it straight on, just take it in, and in fact see that you actually produce great works....

But if you do that, then what are you AFTER? If you accept your works as how "great" people told you, then where else can you go from that? What else can you challenge? For me... if I look at anything that I did and be completely satisfied with it, that there is no room for improvement the NEXT time, that this is the greatest thing ever...then I think it's time to change career.

You should see how I work..crawl on my desk, stare at my screen, music blasting in my headphones, so intensively immersed, so lost in my little world that I have absolutely no idea what goes on around me...Already an oblivious person, what I do, turns me into a complete ignorant freak of my surrounding.

I must do the exact same thing when I was in school, because I unintentionally ignore people. At the beginning of each class, I didn't even take anyone name, nor find out who's who in the class. Not even for a just-in-case-I-missed-class kinda case, let along making friends *sigh*

Yet not only I got A+ for that sculpture class, I was voted as the "best" in the class after that by my entire classmates...My professor even gave me a can of sausage as a trophy we did a ceremony and all. How the hell did that happen??? I really had no idea...but it taught me to be better in communication with classmates, co-workers....open more about my work, and how do you put it...."be friendly" and pay more attentions to my surroundings, more to people than just my works that is.

I think I'm getting much better than I was before...maybe that's why it's hard for me to say goodbye.

Before going on my interview I was nervous...was really worried that I wasn't good enough for the job. They had informed me that they'd been interviewing for more than 2 weeks, and I was literally the last candidate before they review everyone. I looked at employees that are currently working for the company on facebook, and ALL OF THEM graduated not only from the best design schools in the country, but also with MFA....Me? I barely had a complete portfolio, my website has not been updated for 2 years, and I graduated from some random university that most people had never even heard it? I almost didn't want to go in, except duckee who kept reassuring me that I'd be fine, don't sell myself short since I'm much better than I am in my head (haha)

Funny that sounds like I don't trust myself, it's quite the opposite actually...I trust myself too much, I'm like my own best friends ....Like... of course I'm good, I'm good in....my own head And that almost means nothing, I trust myself too much that I don't really listen to the world around me. I'm too close to the heart of my works, that I won't even know it when I'm wrong, when thing isn't going right. It's like shit totally makes sense in my head, but I could never be sure whether or not it makes sense for others. I never had that confident for people around me, never trust them to see what I see. And god knows, I'm not "normal" like everyone else. I guess that's when I look for my friends and foes to tell me the truth...who I suspect are a lot closer on the normal level than myself heh.

Even since I was a child I always know that I think differently...not because I'm special ...heh trust me, because I'm not even close to being special. I think differently because I'm a little (if not a lot haha) OFF. To say it in a nicer way..."I march in my own beat," and to say it like midget described me...I'm "like a bird that flies off the formation" hehe...And duckee even added that NOT only I'm the bird that flies off the formation, but also the bird that hits every single trees/branches on the way haha....And what does he think of me? He just bluntly calls me weird...and loves me anyway, isn't that something?

Well...I am who I am, I don't hate that about me at all, I just embrace it, and use it for my own advantage. I just stand in a different point of view and map life, and what I see in a different direction....that's all. It's good to be an artist when you have that, you're off, but you're ok.... you need it.

You know you have a great interview when the vice president interview you, look at the portfolio and went out to call everyone in the department to come in to look at it, just because it's "amazing" (her words, not mine) that' when you know you did well. You're ok

I came home and told duckee that...he was right, I should have trusted people more.....They will recognize it when they see good work... because I did get the job, ON THE SPOT....Instead, of reviewing the hundred of candidates they had interviewed in 2 weeks, they offered me the job right then and there after the interview. Of course I took it.

So after almost 2 years of slaving working at SADinc. I left the job, hopefully on a high note . I packed all my things...my cool mug with my initial from Ms. Matsuo, my monkey lights that had hung on my shithole cube for 2 years from Janson, the little butterflies Mrs. Go got me that I glued on my computer, my Wacom tablet, my books, candies...All that was left of 2 years from the job is in that box

Last Friday was my last day at work...The creative team took me out for Bonchon chicken and lots of drinks were involved.
It was very very hard to say goodbye to everyone, especially my art director who was not just my boss, but more like my mentor, and my friend. It's going to be hard not to be able to work with her again. But I'm sure we'll keep in touch, all of us....for many years to come.

I'm still in disbelief...even now after I got the job, in this shitty economic time...I still be able to get a wonderful job, with a great offer...and I wasn't even looking...I should be ok right? Yet, at this moment thinking about it I still am nervous, worried, scared that I wouldn't be able to make it, to be able to fill the expectation because it's a huge company...

I'm going to be a watch designer for Hello Kitty!!!

Yeah! Have that job, and try NOT to get nervous on your first day at work tomorrow....Me? I'm just going to freak the fuck out all day!

...............................................................................

New soul - Yael Naim

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

New soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes...

The littliest thing

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 00:40:24 GMT

I don’t use/say the word Bitch toward anyone, ever, neither to their face nor behind their back.

I just think no woman deserve to be called, or labeled as a bitch. She could be a slut, a whore, a liar, a hypocrite, a crazy ass insane psycho cunt; you know whatever fits their character….but a bitch? That word should only be used toward what it’s supposed to be: a dog’s mum, and nothing else.

I really truly hate and despite the word. Not only would I never ever be able to bring myself to utter it to anyone, even to describe someone, even at my fumiest moment toward that person. I also can’t stand it when women use that word to express themselves, call their friends, and portray it as a sign of affection. Actually I think that’s even worse, but whatever floats your boat I guess, who am I to judge, right?

If anything I just wish people I love and care for would not use it *sigh* Because I feel so strongly about it, duckee actually only uses it as the “B” word when he’s around me, heh sometime when he was too pissed off, he’d use it but quickly apologize after “Sorry, babe, my bad” …Cute, I think.

Anyway,…now you know how I strongly feel about it. Then you’ll understand how IF I could ever say B*tch, that quote and situation below would definitely be where/when I would totally say it and IN YOUR FACE.

SHOP WITH A REUSABLE BAG B#*%@!!!

Of course I own that bag. I also bought a bunch of them a few years back for X’mas and sent to all of my friends who I know do their own grocery shopping.

There are a lot of things that I have such strong opinions about (heh no kidding, right?). Recycling is one of them; actually it’s only second on the list just behind my number one H.A.T.E : smoking (more on that one of these days.)

You would probably think …Wow such a fashionable thing these days to care for the environment right? Like wooo everyone and their mothers are doing it, celebrities, Al Gore (yes he gets his own category), grocery store, big giant companies…etc, Just last week one of my clients a very famous cosmetic company demanded that all our new designs for them for 2010 would have no PVC backing, only fabric, natural fibers and shit, you know? Sounds all sweet and dandy….Only it’s the same company who fucking invented shit like mascara with battery in it so it’ll vibrate when you use it. Are you fucking kidding me???? How lazy can you be? And do they even understand how horrible batteries are for the environments???

Anyway, the reason I care for recycling wasn’t because it’s a cool thing, or because I care too much for the trees. No the reason from the very beginning was actually a lot more “human” than any of that. Granted I do it now because it’s the RIGHT thing, but long before that I do it simply because I grew up in Vietnam, we were poor as fuck, so we recycle everything to save money.

Recycling wasn’t in fashion; it was nothing sort of fancy like in America; you know… the green garbage can is for “regular” trash, the blue one is for recycling. It was part of our culture, it IS our culture.

If you have watched Slumdog Millionaire then you will understand what I am talking about now. We have an “army” (almost literally, it’s organized by “generals”, “lieutenants” and everything), yes we have an “army” of garbage pickers, dumpster divers…

Image from Asia News

They are all street kids organized as small ‘infantry” unit, walk around the city day and night, go through all sort of households’ garbage, restaurants’ to pick out plastic bags, plastic/glass bottles…in short anything recyclable, and then sell them to recycling center for a very very low price. This is how they make their living, how they save money and send it back to their family in the countryside.

Image from Trantrinhthy's blog

There are also ladies who walk the street with their little baskets, and their hand scale to knock on your door, and to ask to buy your garbage. And they too, make a living and support their family this way.

Image from here

This is Vietnam, this is where I grew up, when garbage isn’t just garbage, it’s money. Trash, is only crap you toss out like bones from dinner, banana peels, your dead cats…but never never a recyclable item, not even one plastic bag, 1 bottle of coke. In fact, when you buy a bottle of coke, you have to leave extra money for it, bring the coke home drink it, or keep it for days, what have you… but at the end if you want your money back you gotta bring back that bottle in exchange.

Garbage is money because we save everything that recyclable. Then at the end of the month or especially end of the school year, we’ll sell them to the ladies that knock on our door….old text books, newspapers, old plastic lunch bottle, even those beat-up Jelly Shoes….(muhahaha my sister and I used to be such hardcore Jelly shoes owners that our feet always have the fucking tan prints from the fucking awful looking Jelly-shoes…now imagine THAT!!!)

So instead of selling Girl Scout cookies, making lemonade as kids…We? well, we recycle. I’m not kidding; it’s a requirement in school. We have this program every year called “dũng sĩ kế hoạch nhỏ” - “Small plan hero” that each student has to bring in a certain amount of recyclable stuff, get it weighted and then at the end of the school year if you turn in the most you win that title “Small Plan hero.” There wasn’t even money involve, not even a trophy, just a little piece of paper to tell you that you win in front of the whole school. And yet, we kids went nuts for it, we literally dig up the garbage every day, fought each other to win that thing.

Another thing that makes me really care for recycling is my mother. Yeah, I know. My mommy is one of those moms that if you don’t do the right thing, not only she nags you all day, smacks you silly, she also would never ever accepted or allowed that in her home, or you as her child…like “WTF is wrong with you? I raise you better than that” *smack, smack, smack*

And I’m not talking about just recycling, I’m talking about every single little right/wrong thing in life…like sending my sister and I up to the mountain in the middle of a fucking nowhere (no power, no water system, no proper toilet, no protein of any sort…just one and one lonely Buddhist temple) every summer throughout our childhood, because our grandmother (daddy’s mom) lived there, and us as her 2 grandchildren (in over 20 other grandchild, in which of whom has never done so) needed to live with her, to entertain, and to take care of her….Even though, my grandmother is the typical Asian mother-in-law who has never approved, and warm toward my mom, let along love and appreciate what she did for her (and still do until this day).

I mean of course, we’re very thankful for that now, but imagine how angry we were as kids and have our entire summer vacations stripped off from us growing up…My mommy, she doesn’t just teach us not to be wasteful, but also to be kind to everyone around me, not just my family, my friends, my neighbors, but also nature, the environment I live in and even my foes…all simply because it’s the right thing to do.

Sometimes, I’m upset that she cares too much, that she is too idealistic (this is what duckee and my mom has in common), but then most of the time I’m thankful that I have someone like her as a mother.

I remember when I first came to the states there are heaps of trash behind the mall where I work. I was just shocked to realize how wasteful Americans are. In America how easy it is to forget. What you throw away every week in your household could have fed a family for a week in VN. I look at my garbage; it is filled with junk mail, newspapers, empty bottles, and leftovers…things people could recycle for money.

Image from here

The street kids, the people in VN…They are not environmentalists; they understand very little about the world’s ecology, or the greenhouse effect. They are, therefore, frugal and practical. But what’s more they have a great respect for the materials we Americans discard as refuse, as waste.

I work in a design firm, where it is like a guarantee to be spoiled with papers. Not only 1 type of paper, but we have countless of the most expensive, the highest quality if its kind papers…from fine art papers, premium plus photo papers, to fine art canvas with special gloss that you can print on…Yet it seems like no one notices. It pains me to see so much wasted. Anything that printed out with a slight error would be tossed out. I’m sure I appear as stingy at work. Because I get upset easily when my co-workers unintentionally use the wrong type of papers for things, in result of tossing them out, or sketch a few things on a piece of paper, then throw it away. I collect them; I save them in a stack on my desk…other people’s discards, and I use them as my sketch papers, even though we have our own assigned sketch papers. I feel like I’m the only one to use both faces of a piece of paper before using another.

It wasn’t because I was better than everyone else; it was simply because of the way I was brought up. American culture is different, you don’t know, and you don’t think about what you throw out. American kids didn’t grow up with black paper notebooks like we did, so dark, even darker than your brown paper bags. The papers are thin, flimsy and smell like oil. Recycled for who knows how many times. Even though, things are better now in VN, yet I still remember the joy I had when I get to write, to draw on white papers, the fresh clean scent of it, how my pencil felt on it. Every time I draw I still think that I better be good at it, it better not be some crappy doodles, all because I didn’t want to waste it. Who knows, maybe that what makes me so precise, so careful, so anal with my designs, thus makes me good at what I do for a living?

Sure we recycle at our convenience these days but we don’t pause long enough to think about where anything comes from, or where they go after. We live in a fast-paced world. We have become consumers. We consume…We came and we destroy what was once beautiful, and green, and then we move on…

One of my proudest moments was to make duckee see recycling the way I do. It’s always amazed him how I always carried my fabric bag with me, tried to fit everything in when I go grocery shopping, or when I refused shopping bags even when I don’t have my own. I either stuffed them in my handbag, or held them in my hands and just walked home. Oh, I’m sure it looked ridiculous, but it’s a great thing that I don’t give a fuck, and guess what? I’m doing this for you, and your children.

One of my favorite quotes is from the Native Indians:

"Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents,
it was loaned to you by your children.
We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors,
we borrow it from our Children.”

I don’t know, I’m sure you always feel that whatever you do always seems so little, like a grand of sand in the sea. I’m sure like me; you think what good can it do? What change can we make, really? And yet, we wake up every day, make the choices that we make every day, the little mundane things, the nuances, within those anomalies we make choices…either to let someone passes us during traffic hours, help a co-workers out with his/her project, or to set our recycling garbage aside to recycle…Whatever it is, however small it is…It IS still OUR choice to make, you know, so make a good one, make the right one. That’s all.

Even though, no one around you will ever notice it, even though you will get no reward, no acknowledgment for it, but at least you, YOU know. And at the end of the day, I seriously think that that's more than enough to let us sleep at night, don't you?

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Better People

Rudd Xavier

you people saving whales,
giving your thanks to our seas
my respect to the ones in the forest,
Standing up for our old trees

Them giving food to the hungry
giving hope to the needy
giving life to a baby
giving care for free
there is freedom around us
We have everything we need
I will care for you
because you care for me
we all have opinions
Some of them get through
But there’s better people
With more good to do.

what I have could be a message
or just some words from my heart
My respect to the ones making changes
For other lives they’ll give their own

well our world it keeps spinning
round and round it goes
Human nature keeps spreading it's disease
And our children keep growing up with
what they know from what we teach
and what they see
And it’s only a question of the time we have
And the lives that our children will lead
they can only keep growing up with
what they know from what we teach
and what they see